That I am still alive is no miracle but a failure in the laboratories of life. Did I deserve to be born? Is there something wrong with me? A chemical fish spinning around the tube in which she was manufactured and born. A fish forced into a human-life that it can’t master, because the water was never meant to serve as a carrier for a human being. A fish that can only breathe in the air while our own creators gave us earth and water and air. What do you need a parasite for? Birds fly in the air, bats fly in the air, birds have wings and bats have wings. So why do we have lungs and we don’t have wings?
During birth, the child is pushed through the tube while they still have no consciousness and they can’t move, they can’t even move the water in which they’re floating. But as the senses develop, and the child has more sensation, and thus a greater need for movement and touch and sensation, the water becomes a prison, the fluids form in a costly noxious bilge and only a few fortunate fishes can escape from it, or at least the deepest section where there are still shades of the womb and the smell of flowers that one remembers from childhood. But here, in the outside world, there is only the smell of disinfectant in the maternity ward, the smell of a white sterile cloth, the smell of spit from a nurse and the smell of the cleaning up and the smell of the milk coming from the bottle. The water in which the child is born suddenly becomes so disgusting that she does not want anything else than to breathe air. She doesn’t even want to see the world which she has been so strange and unknown, because she was born and has fully conscious of her body, of her feelings and sensations, the water around her is not a womb, where she feels safe and protected, but a prison, which she will now try to escape.
I live twice, because I open my eyes in both worlds and I go back and forth between them. While in my death, I don’t understand anything and the water is a womb that is physically unknown and mentally unjustified, in my life, the water means fear, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being judged, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of being different, fear of being abnormal and abnormal.
I have an angel who has lost her wings. Of course, she wasn’t an angel before she lost them, and I’m sure that after losing them, she’ll never become an angel ever again. But she wasn’t that angel either, she was a normal girl who is only a few days into her new life and she is spending it in a new world that she has to negotiate and adapt to, because she’s not even accustomed to herself and to the world around her. The smells of disinfectant, of the white sterile cloth, of the liquids that she had to use in the hospital, she is familiar with them, but she’s never felt or smelled that before. She doesn't know how to orientate herself in a new world, she imagines that everything around her belongs to a different world. Is there such a thing as a different world? Are her angels and her enemies here and there? Maybe this world is the only world and if that’s the case, then all is dark.
My angel has made the mistake of opening her eyes at night. And she’s in the hospital for newborn babies. The fear of being alone is overwhelming her. She was only meant to breathe the air outside and not to look around, the corridors are so long and empty and the lights in the rooms are casting millions of stars, patterns, but they are not like the patterns in the sky, they’re different, they’re not familiar and they are confusing. What if the world is cold? What if the rain is no different from the sun? What if all is cold, even the giant fire? What if I will never know anything about the world around me? How can I orientate myself in a world that is both wonderful and gruesome?
But time passes, months pass and the days pass, and her life goes on. She is not only a wonderful human being, who is curious and extremely sociable, but she is also a very beautiful girl.