I never wanted to have children, initially. The thought of it was somewhat frightening. It was all so surreal, abnormal and foreign. I was going to have this little invader-like alien inside me. I would feel so out of place, so outside of my element, awkward, intimidated and scared. On the flip side I thought, "What a privilege. I was born a woman, with all these female body parts that allows me the opportunity to conceive a child. It's a gift. What if I never have another baby again? What if this is the only one I have? I'd miss out if I don't experience giving birth at least once".
I made up my mind that I wanted to experience this fully. I wanted to know what it truly feels like to give birth to a child. I was not going to take any drugs. I read books on how to have a natural childbirth and one book suggested saying positive affirmations and having clear intentions for a natural delivery, so I recorded myself saying things like, "My delivery will be natural and easy", "The room will be peaceful", "I will be relaxed". I listened to it every evening before bedtime.
The day finally arrived. We checked into the hospital. The pain was gradually getting stronger and stronger. The nurse was surprised when I declined an epidural. I was in a lot of pain but I was determined to have this child naturally. I tried so hard to contain the pain but it was unbearable. I asked if it wasn't too late to get the epidural. The nurse checked my dilation and initiated the process. She came back with the papers for me to sign, when I weakly and strainfully muttered, "Hold on......this really hurts". Very impatient with me, the nurse angrily said, "Of course it hurts! Look at you! You have veins popping out of your neck! And look at your hands! Your hands are closed in fists! Of course it's hurting you!"
I couldn't believe a nurse had just talked to me like that. Wasn't I the customer? Wasn't I paying for her services? I was definitely going to talk to someone or write a complaint about her misconduct. After she left, it dawned on me. She had a point. I thought, "There's something I'm not doing right. All those personal voice recordings affirming a natural childbirth didn't work. It was not going the way I had envisioned it." I felt like such a failure. "I can't believe this is transpiring the way that it is. I totally FAILED."
At that moment, I felt so down on myself, so disheartened and sad, so disappointed. I felt like a total loser and I didn't even care how this whole thing played out. I didn't care anymore. Nothing was turning out the way I had planned so I gave up. I threw in the towel. "I'm just going to pretend I'm dead", I thought.
That's when everything turned around. Every time a contraction would come, I'd tell myself, "It doesn't matter. I'm dead". The nurse came with the epidural, checked my dilation and was shocked. I heard her say, "She's ready! Call the doctor!" The contractions were showing up on the monitor with huge spikes but now they weren't painful. My body was doing all the work without me. My body started pushing. The doctor hadn't arrived yet and the nurse said, "Don't push!" It was all happening naturally and automatically. The doctor finally arrived as the baby was coming out and I gave birth to a beautiful boy.
I was grateful for that nurse. She was the catalyst. She was the slap in the face that I needed. She unknowingly helped me get into a different state-of-mind. Once I gave up, it was as if God or the universe or my guardian angels said, "Finally! We've been waiting for you to let us take the reigns". I thought life had to be difficult. I though I had to do it all on my own, not ask for help and be in control at all times. Would there be merit if things were accomplished so easily and without much effort?
This beautiful experience taught me to let go, give up, give in, let life happen and let it unfold with ease. The universe can help us with anything in our lives.
Sometimes we have to get out of our own way.
