Lately, I've honestly been dealing with a lot of anger.
Why? Because of toxic people, ones whom I've grown up with.
It's a disillusioning, yet also painful feeling to know that some of the people you thought you could count on as friends are actually not your friends.
They're only out to hurt you.
As a result, I've eliminated a couple of friends from my life and with that, I felt the initial anxiety of making such a bold move:
"What would people think of me?"
"Is this the right thing to do?"
"Am I just being too sensitive? Am I being too rash?"
"What if I am wrong and others are right?"
"What if this only serves to isolate me and I end up being unhappy alone?"
All these thoughts went through my mind.
Usually when I ruminated over thoughts like these, I'd crush them and shove them down my body with "stronger" thoughts, like:
"Fuck this shit! I am the best!"
"No more excuses!"
"No way I am gonna show up at anything with toxic assholes around. The message will be clear then!"
"Should a fight occur, I'd absolutely murder them."
"So the fuck what if people want to talk shit about me behind my back? I am done. I don't give a fuck no more."
These were serving to boost my sense of masculinity.
But today, I give it a new school of thought, one with a huge array of possibilities that speak of bigger truths, higher hopes and ultimately works to unleash the best potential in me:
"Even if I run into toxic people again, I do no need to feel angry. I can be the bigger person and walk away."
"I do not need to feel angry over what others think of me anymore, for their words are empty and come from a hostile place. I just have to trust myself."
"I do not need to act out should the situation get heated. I can use my words calmly as I am an intelligent adult."
"I am not a tree. I can move."
"I may have less friends now, but that does not mean I'll be unhappy and alone. I can write. I can read. I can do shit I love."
"I can rekindle lost relationships."
"I can meet new people."
When you read this, it may seem like generic self-help drivel of positivity and hope, but it's a huge step for me as I start to become better my own way.
It's a liberation along the path of love, not vengeance.
It's a liberation based on proper and good values, not half-truths and excuses.
I wish that you become liberated this way too.
To end off, I'd like to case a few panels from my favorite graphic novel, The Sandman by Neil Gaiman. This is from the volume, Brief Lives.
Some context:
Destruction, an entity of The Endless (beings that are even more complicated than gods) abandoned his duties and left his realm a long time ago.
With that, he stopped helping mortals in the aspect of destruction. And his words in his panels try to explain why he left.
I feel it relates so much to me as I leave my own circle of friends.
