The word fear connotes different thing to different people. Just like our faces, families anf personalities are different, so are our fears.
My fears are pretty much uncountable. But there are some that hold sway more than others. I think mine should loosing love.
When i was a teenager i was scared of dating probably because i never really knew dad. I was being asked out alot and i had always blatantly refused. I was sure i was not ready yet. My best friend's brother asked me out for almost three years and my answers were the same. I am not ready. I want to get into the university first. Truly i never really cared about dating or love. I was just ok.
In 5330 i got into the university. A new life had started for me. New environment. New friends. And ofcourse new fears. It was not up to two months my bestfriend's brother came again. Well lets say after now he won't be asking me out. No need to worry i was polite. I started my new life. I made friends and when i say friends just bear in mind that they are just two. Am not one to socialise. I keep to myself. I do whats necessary. I moved into the student hostel which i must say did not really turn out great. Because the first semester was not barely over and i ran home. Started coming to class from home. My mom would usually drop me off every morning( talk about mommy's girl).
Three years into the university. My circle of friends had wildened. Comeon did you think i wad going to have just two friends. Everything was going great; family, friends, grades. Had a crush and he left and it ended. School was becoming fun for me.
Unexpectedly, i started noticing a guy i had never really noticed since we started classes in 5330. When i say not really notice i mean he was there but that was it. I could swear he was always annoying. Making jokes that annoyed most persons. He would laugh so loud at his jokes well it was not funny then. He had blood shot eyes. He was plump. You could mistake his head for a football then. As time went on we began to talk, how we got each others number i still cannot remember but we were always chatting. We grew closer. I could talk to him about anything. We would chat into the middle of the night and words will be left unspoken. How is it that young people have so much to say?.
We started evening classes together. Most times we would talk and forget we came to read. Fear began to set in my heart not because we were close but because it was becoming more than that to me. I was not sure if the feeling will be reciprocated.
I had to talk with my friends. They knew i said i would never date any boy in my class/grade. My friends adviced me that it was not a good idea to be liking him. He probably has nothing to offer they said. He is a boy they said. He won't even be ready for marriage in the next five years they added.
I understood their fears for me. Hell i too had same fears, but i was so sure about him.
It turns out he too had feelings for me and he asked me out and i hapoily accepted. Upon my acceptance i quickly notified my friends whom am sure were not delighted but had to accept because they loved me.
Our love began. We felt it all. The rush of emotions, the excitement that comes with new love. The texting and calling. Our first kiss. Oh our first kiss, i could have sworn butterflies flew out of me. Because it was amazing.
Just like every other girl i could boldly see it" Dawn weds Oden". But i knew my fears.
Along the line my fine mister would say things like you have to be open minded. Be free. Do not hold on too tight.
Little by little my fears were becoming a reality. Even with his little hints i persisted and loved with all of my heart. It was like the feeling of love was anew each day.
I could not truly tell what his fears were but i was sure loosing me was one of them, i would tell myself.
Him being a person i could talk to. I told him about guys that were asking me out or saying they would marry me. He would be calm and show no emotion. You know what i mean. It was like he was saying give them a chance. He did not say it expressly but come on you would imply so too. So i would get mad and angry, but all that did not change my fears.
Its one year now. Wow, whole year had passed and my love did not crash and burn. My faith grew stronger for our love. But unknown to me fate had its plans. It was out last year as students and everything was happening. Things were changing real fast. Family drama and issues here and there. We still carried on. I began to notice that my fine mister was almost always absent. Like he was withdrawing from me on purpose. I began questioning myself, what must i have done? Did i say something wrong? Did i offend him?. Fear filled me. So i mustard up the courage to ask him. I said "fine mister, have i done anything wrong? Why does it seem like am begging for your attention". Well lets say i got the sentence no couple ever wants to hear.."we need to talk". Oh my God i said to myself. I asked him to talk about what. He said he does not want to talk about it via whtsapp and that he does not want to give me hint.
What hint, i said to myself. My fear is finally here. I knew in my heart that it was over. My love is finally over. I could not sleep all through the night.
Saturday morning after chores i hurridly left to meet up with him. On my way to him, i had thought of every possible thing that could happen. I even did the "he loves me; he loves me not" with flowers.
Finally i got to him and we started talking.
After he said some somethings i was not oblivious to, i asked what does he want?
He said recess. I had imagined crying and shouting but i could not because i actually understood. Hell i understood before i started dating him. I understood before i decided within me to say yes.
I thought it would take longer time but at last my fears caught up with me.
Presently my fear is will it ever stop?
You would wonder what would. Fear? Love? Or both?.
What is your fears?