If I worked in the United States, this is the type of post that could get me fired or ruin my career. Which illustrates the sad state of affairs in my country's politically correct culture. There are some conversations that you cannot comfortably have without worrying about character assassination. The proper response to someone that is ill informed or misguided should be to try inform or guide them. It should not be to destroy them. Destroying their reputation doesn't help them or society. Discussions should be allowed to be had especially on sensitive subjects. On that note...I take my first step onto the battlefield.
I am writing this in response to the recent accusations against comedian Aziz Ansari. The accusations can be found in this article: https://babe.net/2018/01/13/aziz-ansari-28355. The purpose of the article is clearly to include Aziz in the long list of men being accused of sexual harassment and/or sexual assault. Most if not all the men that have found themselves on that list deserve the backlash, however, after reading the story chronicling Aziz's behavior I can say he in no way belongs in such disreputable company.
Image Source: Wikipedia Commons
You can read the article for yourself. Aziz was a man trying to get laid. Was he awkward and ham fisted? Sure. But why are some trying to punish and criminalize normal male behavior? Has the very necessary and poignant "me too" movement turned into a witch hunt?
The accusations against Aziz has made me reflect on my own past behavior and whether any of it could be construed into harassment or assault. Previous, to these accusations I would have never even gave it a second thought. Just as Aziz supports the "me too" movement I have always seen myself as a caring and respectful man. However, after reviewing my own past I see that I was very close to being the reason for a malicious "me too" hash tag.
I believe most men have these stories to tell. Stories in which things did not go as planned and/or were awkward but they did not assault or harass anyone. I think these stories should be told as well to add to the conversation. I have reproduced an event in my past to the best of my recollection. Of course, the names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved.
One night I attended a small house party at my friend Lilith's apartment. Now, at this time Lililth and I were both single. That wasn't always the case. In fact a few months prior, Lilith and I had a short-lived romantic relationship, luckily after its disintegration, we remained friends. At the party, there was a steady flow of alcoholic drinks. Around midway through the party, Lilith and I found ourselves alone on the balcony. We began flirting. One thing led to another and we made out for a few minutes. For me, the make out session was not that unexpected. Lilith and I had always had a lot of chemistry and we didn't take ourselves too seriously. Being that our friends were inside we broke it off and rejoined them.
The party went on for another few hours of drinking, laughing, and dancing. Everybody seemed to be having a good time. As the hours wound into the night, people began to head home. As usual, I was one of the holdouts. Once I get to having a good time, I rarely am sensible enough to want to go to bed. It got to the point in which only four of us remained and then the last two signaled their intention to leave. One of these two stragglers advise me that I should go with them because Lilith appeared intoxicated. Now, at the time I did not understand this statement. I mean we were all intoxicated. What point was she trying to make? Why would someone being intoxicated make me want to leave? It wasn't until the next morning that I realized the importance of this statement.
So instead, I took one look at Lilith to gauge her response. Judging by her excitement she was more than up for me sticking around. Lilith and I spent the next few hours dancing, talking, and having an overall enjoyable time. It was now early in the morning,exhaustion had finally caught up to me and I was ready to head home. It was at this point, that Lilith began to come on strong. She initiated making out then proceeded to pull me onto her bed. I stopped her a few times to tell her that I didn't think that moving forward was a good idea. This was not because I am some sort of prude. It was because I really enjoyed our friendship and I didn't want to muck that up.
She insisted time and time again and with her being a beautiful woman and me being me we spent the remaining hours together in bed. At some point, I woke up to find myself uncomfortable but still needing sleep. I realized the only way that I was going to get substantial shuteye was to go home to my own bed. I left Lilith sleeping soundly. The next day, nursing a hangover, I received a call from Lilith. "Hey Jim, did we do anything last night?".
The statement scared my mind clear. I knew exactly what she meant but couldn't process it enough for a good response. Instead, I bought myself time, "What do you mean?". Lilith: "Oh, I think I had sex last night but I don't remember it". Me: "Yes, we had sex. You really don't remember?". Lilith: "No, I don't remember anything. Tell me about it.".
I proceeded to tell Lilith about everything that occurred that night. I told her that I didn't think she was any more intoxicated than I was. I told her that if I had known that she was that drunk that I would have left. Luckily, for the two us she was absolutely fine with the whole ordeal. We remain friends to this day and have a laugh about it from time to time. However, I now know that had her reaction to not remembering been different I could have found myself being accused of sexual assault.
I don't have any doubt that there are those that would read my story and believe that I did something unethical and even some would accuse me of being a predator. But is that fair? Are we really treating men and women equal? If you really believe that I was unethical or a predator try switching the gender roles in my story. What if it was the male who was too drunk to remember? What if it was the male that had pressured the female to have sex? What if it was the male who physically pulled the female on to his bed? What if it was the female that stayed later then everyone else? What if it was the female that could remember the incident?
I absolutely support the "me too" movement. It is time for women to be heard. It is time for men who abuse women to be spoke out against. However, it is clear to me that some have gone too far by demonizing normal sexual behavior. Men and women hook up under an infinite variety of circumstances. Absent assault or harassment is it really for you to judge which ones are acceptable and which ones are not? It seems that some want to get in the middle of other peoples' consensual decisions. It seems that they want to take away a woman's agency. Don't women have a right to make their own decisions? If so, do they not need to accept the consequences of those decisions? Let's work toward true equality rather than creating special rules for one gender and not the other.