New year, same me?

I always love to think that I am going to leave all of my failures, my issues, and my frustrations in the previous year. That the New Year I have just entered will be the one. I honestly don't know what I expect the one to be like, but in the line of revolutionary and life changing seems about right.

Yet every year, around this time (January 4th or 5th), I realize I am the same exact person. The same shit is happening. The heavens did not open up and cure my chronic illnesses. My depression and anxiety did not suddenly disappear. I did not win the lottery. I didn't wake up one morning owning my dream restaurant - I didn't even wake up with a work visa.

Honestly, I am not sure I even wanted any of these things to happen. All I think anyone wants through the great New Year Transition is for things to get just a bit easier. I think that is why, at least for my generation, these past few years (2015-2017) have been so difficult. We have all been realizing that it just doesn't. There is no pause button or snooze button, and especially no stop. No more summer vacation or winter vacation or spring break. Just not as much time to take a breath.

Many New Years Resolutions are about finding that time in your daily life - and I am finally starting to understand that. Because even when I go on vacation now, I am constantly worried and running on my metaphorical hamster wheel, thinking about everything that needs to be done when I get home. Thinking about everything I need to change, the trash that needs to be taken out, did I turn the radiator off?

Because there are so many other, seemingly more important, things to occupy my mind during the New Year, I often forget what I want to change - and maybe that is why I often feel exactly the same. I just forget to change. By the 3rd, the pressure of 'lose weight' or 'get organized' seems to be over, and I get off the hook. I get back to clothes all over my floor, forgetting to do my laundry, and making the extremely adult decision of eating chocolate for dinner. But even more importantly, forgetting I am unhappy. This is how it has always been right?

Yet, just a few days later, I start to feel cheated. Where is the revolutionary 'new me' that the New Year promised?? I guess it is still in there - waiting for me to put the work in, waiting for me to *care enough* about myself. Usually I ignore the work part, feel disappointed, and move on - but I am hoping this year will be different. Even me just doing the introspection is more than I usually do - and if this sounds like you, I hope it will be different for you as well.

How long do your New Year Resolutions usually last? Do you even make resolutions?

Check out my 2017 summary and New Year Resolutions here!

photo of me taken by @madimov, all others taken by me