Hello Steemit and Steemians. Hope you all have had, or are having a great day. This day is coming to a close for me unfortunately, but tomorrow is always a new day. Like so many others, I'll wake up, go to work, then repeat the monotony of our everyday lives. Throughout it all, I'll cherish any chance to create a moment of happiness, or find enjoyment from a life that has become almost robot-like.
Before I really get started, I should add a little context. I'm going to give a few details about myself, and share a story, a personal life experience. It will all tie into my thoughts at the end, so even if you find yourself wondering, "what in the hell am I reading," please, just bare with my ramblings a bit longer. I may even have a genuine point I'm trying to make by writing this, and I'll be sure to share it with you all, just as soon as I figure it out myself.
So, to start, I will be turning thirty three in four days technically (it has just passed midnight making it October sixteenth today). From my limited observations, few people, male or female, tend to make it this long without having a kid or four along the way. I have never intentionally tried to bring a child into this world, though admittedly, I have never tried anything to prevent that outcome either. However, I have been in relationships where I stepped into the roll of a father. Years later, when we went our separate ways, I always seemed to stay close to home in Tennessee, while her tendencies were more diverse. We fought and argued for months afterwards, because I wanted to see the child I had been helping raise. It was an issue I refused to let go. I just wanted to be allowed to see her on occasion, which ended up having absolutely no success. I had no real leverage, so it took very little time before My Daughter was taken from me, and I had no legitimate way to stop it from happening. I'll leave it at that because this is a story deserving of alot more than a glancing paragraph in the midst of a larger
For the story part, we will be making a small leap back in time. It was six or seven years ago, give or take. I was in what can only be described as a self destructive downward spiral with no real end in sight. I had a decent job that I had just lost due to failing a random drug test. I constantly struggled with an opiod addiction that always seemed to have the upper hand. Eventually, I even began to suspect the basic fuctions of my mind were not to be trusted.
I fell into that deadly cycle of trying to do the right thing, giving up, getting high, then mentally torturing myself from the lack of willpower to do the right thing, rinse and repeat. In many ways, I had become completely helpless. I had no direction or drive. I spent way too much time dwelling on maybes and what ifs. I was a gernade with a pulled pin, just waiting to be disturbed.
To be as far out there as I was and to have numbed everything for as long as I had, I strangely still had the self awareness to peer deep inside my own soul. I, then, had to find and acknowledge the many, many issues effecting my everyday life. As I over analyzed every decision, thought, conversation, and anything else I could think of, the tally just kept climbing higher. It didn't take long before I knew it would be literally impossible for anything positive to be accomplished while I stayed in Tennessee.
The time had come to face the fear and make a life changing decision. I had spoke to my dad at some point during all this. It didn't take but just a few seconds before he was offering to help me get there again. Him wanting me to move there had been brought up at least once every time we spoke. Since I knew that staying stationary ended with a jail cell or a wooden box, I had to take that giant leap.
Once the decision was made and my mind was made up, the day my life was to begin anew couldn't get here soon enough. I spent days meticulously packing, unpacking, then repacking just to make sure I was taking as much of my clothes as I could carry. When the day I was to finally leave arrived, I woke early. My blood was pumping and body pulsating from the excitement of this new adventure. I had a little unfinished business to handle, plus a few last goodbyes. I made it last as long as i could then went home to kill the rest of the day.
Later that night, I made it to the bus stop about an hour and a half early. I had told those I felt needed to be told, I had seen those who were imperative to see, and I ignored the rest. As I waited, my mother showed up. She wanted to see me off to Florida. I had expected her to come, but I was surprised not long after by three of my life long friends showing up unannounced. To top it all off though, they brought all their kids. I was told my short visit earlier had not been enough. They had been throwing a fit wanting to come see me one more time since I had left hours prior. So I spent the next hour running and playing and laughing with all the kids.
When the bus finally pulled into the lot, I made my rounds to give everyone a hug. I was bawling my eyes out by the time I got to the kids for their hugs. They begged and pleaded for me not to leave. One even tried her damndedest to sneak after me onto the bus. I had to carry her back to her mom while we both cried the whole way.
When the bus finally pulled away, I couldn't see anything. Tears clouded my vision completely, but my mind was working overtime. My mother made the special trip, along with three other adults. That alone could have been enough to trigger my emotions, but it was the fourteen children lined up screaming and crying, not wanting me to get on the bus. They didn't get enough time with me when I came to visit earlier that day, so they begged to come see me at the bus stop. When it became obvious to them I was going, they tried to go too. It was in that moment, I got an answer to one of my worst self doubts. I have always been concerned that I may have been a bad influence on any or all of them. I was so afraid they would try to act like me, but in that moment, I saw the truth of everything. The children admired me so much, they begged to come see me one more time. And it was right then, before I had even got to leave the parking lot, I had my first moment of doubt about my decision. It wasn't a fear of going somewhere new, it wasn't a fear of meeting my father for the first time(a blog telling this story will be coming soon). It was the many children that I've help mold, shape, and teach through their youngest years, that caused the first thoughts of doubt to creep in.
I told this story to highlight my influences, and to show the bonds made from a young age. I've always seemed to have knack with children. It could be that I am able to get on their level and play and enjoy the simple things. It could be that when I address a child directly, I dont treat them like someone on a lower level, but try to explain everything thoroughly enough they understand why I am saying what I am. Then again, they may just see me as a larger kid like themselves. I cant give a definitive answer as to why. All I know for sure is I seem to have had a lasting impression on them and for that I'm grateful.
Everything I've shared has been just a build up to expressing where I stand about having kids. Personally, if I had the choice I would NOT bring a child into this world we live in. I know, that seems kinda contradictory to everything I have been alluding to, but hear me out first before jumping to any conclusions.
I'm not against anyone having a child. I encourage it even... if.... and this is a major if for me... if you are capable of providing for that child. A child is a major responsibility that will dictate all of your time from the moment they are born. It is no longer about you and what you want anymore. Its about them and how best to give them a life worth living. As I said, I am overly self aware and I do not feel that at any point of my adult life I could have adequately provided a stable home. Until I feel that I'm capable of providing a positive home life to live and grow into the adult they will become, I hope to not have children.
If and when I get to that point of comfortable providing and was asked the same thing, I would have to say no again. I would rather not bring a child into this world. This answer I cant give a definitive as to why I feel this way but I do have a few speculative reasons. Firstly, I was raised by a step father. Even though I was young, the fact my biological father wasn't around was never hidden or kept from me. I was always aware my biological father was not around. Through all my step fathers faults, and he had more than most of you could ever imagine, he loved me as much as loved my brother, his biologocal child. That encompassed more than just me and my brother too. We had a cousin that came to live with us a few years later, and that still doesn't give him justice. He had a soft place for children and would do anything he could to help a child.
Secondly, I think stepping into a fatherly roll in my past relationship helped build my character to look past whether a child is biologically yours or not. I can not understand how that could effect the love someone can show a child. Every child deserves the love of a parent. If I were able to provide the stable home a child needs, I would look into adoption before considering bringing another child into this world. I would just feel so much more comfortable giving a child that has either lost the chance to be loved, or never had the chance at all, to experience the love amd commitment that only a parent can give.
Those are my most decisive factors that have shaped how i feel about having children. Im also a believer that this world is in a state of overpopulation. Having children when adoption is a reasonable option is immediately counterintuitive to that thought process. Lastly, I am genuinely afraid of the society we live in. I cant help buf feel that if something drastic doesn't change, the world won't make it another one hundred years.
I will leave you all with this final thought. When you bring a child into the world, you get one choice. The mother of your child pops out the only one you can get, whereas adopting a child allows for variety and options. Who wouldn't want to shop around. Get the best baby on the market to fit YOUR needs. I think there may even be a return policy.
(A joke, I hope everyone realizes without this special notation)
This whole blog idea stemmed from having a conversation with an old friend last night. We were alking past relationships and raising kids that were not our own. It got my mind thinking, so decided to judt go ahead amd share my different outlook on having children. Thank you all for wading througn this long ramble.
-Bran thhe Builder
https://smartsteem.com?r=branthebuilder
-Use Me As A Referral
