Many people tend to judge other people harshly, and there isn’t much we can do about that, but there are ways that we can stop judging ourselves so harshly and have a happier life. One not so obvious way to do that is to get rid of the word “should” from your vocabulary - especially when talking about (or to) yourself.
Using “should-thinking" with your actions, your feelings, or your judgements can cause negative feelings and can keep you from creating the changes in your life that would make you happy.
WITH YOUR ACTIONS
With actions, the word “should” is most often used to say that something is the best or the correct thing to do - seems innocent enough (and even sounds like a good thing,) but usually there is a value judgment involved, which ends up being harmful.
Think about times when you’ve used the word should. In most cases, when we say that someone “should” do something, we are judging them negatively because they are NOT doing it. I don’t like anyone doing that to me, so I certainly want to be aware if I’m doing that to myself.
For example, telling yourself “I should eat better,” will most likely have the immediate result of making yourself feel bad about not eating well. You’ll then most likely start defensively making excuses and justifications - telling yourself that you would eat better: if you had time or if you could afford it or [insert other excuse here].
With those justifications, telling yourself “I should eat better” is not likely to get the result that you want. So, all it ultimately does is make you feel bad about the action (or inaction) without actually motivating you to change the behavior - a total lose/lose.
THE POSITIVE CHANGE
Using “would like” or “could” instead gives you your power back. Think about how you feel. Using “should” creates guilt and excuses. Using “could” or “would like to” lets you focus on the solution. I “would like” to eat healthier. There is no focus on guilt for not doing it. Without the guilt, your brain is freed up from making excuses and is free to go to the next steps - “How can I do that?” or “What’s my plan to eat healthier?”
Using “could” or “would like to” with your actions takes away judgement and gives you the feeling of having more power and control in the situation, making real change possible.
WITH YOUR FEELINGS
With feelings, the result of using should usually aren’t any better than with actions. For example, “I should feel happy with my life” and again is unlikely to actually change anything - all the negative without any positives.
Telling yourself “I should feel…” is most likely a case where you are judging yourself or believing that others are judging you for feeling a certain way.
The biggest problem with this is that it denies the feeling that you ARE having, which shifts the focus to a negative of denying how you feel instead of the action that can help you.
It doesn’t let you focus figuring out a way to get the feeling that you are wanting.
You are uniquely you and have your own life experiences, ideas, and desires that are creating your feelings. No one else can know how you feel about something or tell you how to feel about it. Your feelings are your own. Denying them because you think you “should” feel a certain way
If you don’t like how you are feeling, the first step in effecting any change in your feelings is to accept them and acknowlede them. From there, with a lot of hard work, it is possible to make that changes that you feel are needed to create the feeling your are looking for.
Accepting the way that you are feeling is much healthier than denying your feelings. Once you accept it, you can focus on the things that you can do to change.
THE POSITIVE CHANGE
Accept the feelings as they are and focus on positive change. Instead of “I should feel _____” change it to “I feel _________” Then ask: “What can I do to feel better? or differently?”
WITH JUDGEMENTS - (YOURS AND OTHERS)
In addition to your actions and your feelings, using “should” to pass value judgements can also create problems.
Use of “should” can indicate a value judgement that may or may not work for your situation. Using should this way is more like a belief that is not questioned, but can damage your opinion of yourself.
For example, “you should go to college” or “you should get married.” For many people, both of those are great options; however, they are NOT for everyone. If marriage or college or whatever else is not the best choice for you, but you feel like you “should” make that choice anyway, you are setting yourself up for unhappiness and possibly missing other opportunities.
THE POSITIVE CHANGE
Question “should” statements. Ask yourself if that is the best option for you or if the “should voice” you are hearing is that of parents, grandparents, or others. Question your “should”s in this area, can help you listen to your own voice and create the best life for you.
HOW TO STOP
Using "should" is such a habit that it can be difficult to stop.
Steps to stop using "should":
- Be aware of it - Being aware of your "should-thinking" is the first step to successfully stopping it. Notice it when you think it, and consciously think of how to replace it.
- Ask for help - It can be such a habit that you may not even notice when you use the word "should." Enlist the help of your friends and family to point out when they hear you say it.
Realize it's going to take time. "Should-thinking" can be a habit that is hard to break so don't be hard on yourself while you are trying to change it. The effort is worth it because stopping the use of “should” and “shouldn’t” when dealing with your actions, your feelings, and your beliefs can help you create a better life for yourself, get rid of feelings of guilt, and get on the road to making positive changes to create your best life.
Thanks to a conversation with @rumdancer for inspiring this post.
If you have other ways of replacing “should” or creating your best life, please leave a comment and let me know.