Lattice Degeneration of the Retina
That is what my ophthalmologist said to me about 8 months ago, and I remember it really terrifying me. It's apparently found in about 10% of the population, and is often benign, but can lead to other problems, and even blindness in some cases.
I work as a photographer, it's a job that I love, it's my passion, my art, my hobby, my release. I've always pursued artistic things in my life, I've always needed some kind of creative outlet to keep me sane, but I was never any good at any of the things I tried.
I was ok at drawing, painting was a bit of a bust until I started playing with abstract, and even then I was a hack, sculpting was fun but I just didn't have the patience for it. I'm no writer, though I do try. Forget dance, I'm as white as they come and have the dance floor moves to prove it.
Music was ok, I taught myself guitar, but I was never very good. I played bass in a band, but it was a hobby at best. I always felt comfortable behind a drum kit, and piano is fun (even though I'm terrible at that) but again, I'm no musician, I just fiddle around (pun intended, and yes I have tried the fiddle, it is insanely hard to play).
I really love working with my hands, all the art forms I tried involved my hands in some way, but really, I was never very good at them.
And all the while behind all of this experimentation, and frustration, and failure at art, I would play with my camera. In fact, I've been playing with my camera since I was ten years old.
Then finally one day I started to learn how to use it properly, about ten years ago, and something amazing happened. I started to lose interest in drawing, and painting, and music, and everything else, and all I could think about, almost all the time, was taking photos.
I dove into it head first and just kept swimming, I experimented with everything and anything I could. I spent hours poring over the menu settings in my camera, watching youtube tutorials, reading photography books online and shooting, shooting, shooting, all the time. I took so many pictures with my first digital camera (a Nikon D60) that I literally wore out the shutter button, and it terrified me that I might not be able to use my camera. Fortunately at that time I was able to upgrade to a D90.
You see, I became obsessed with photography because it was the first art form I had discovered that I was actually good at. It made sense to me, I could understand it, and that meant I could progress at it, and get better at it. I learned how to make my camera create the images that I saw in my head, which was something I could never do with drawing or painting or sculpting or music. It pulled me in like a drug, and I was addicted.
So much so that six months into our marriage my wife decided that I needed to start working as a photographer, and so we did.
She built us a website, we started advertising, working with friends, booking jobs, and six months after that we had so much work booked for the next year that I didn't have time to go back to my regular job as a house painter.
It's been an incredible journey these past six years. Our job has taken us literally all over the world. We have met incredible people, seen incredible places, done incredible things.
We have won awards and competitions, been featured on world famous blogs and magazines, and we even teach workshops where we help other photographers learn now (even though both of us are completely self taught and have ever spent a dime on learning how to do photography)
In short, a dream came true for me. I get to make art for a living, and not only that, but art that I truly love.
So why am I telling you all this?
Well simply put, it terrifies me to think that I could lose my eyesight, and that is something that I have been thinking a lot about the past few months.
What would I do if I went blind?
How would I cope?
How would you?
Well my doctor told me that usually this thing doesn't progress, and the good news is that in my right eye, which is where they first found it, it seems to not be progressing.
But occasionally it does progress, and from what I understand, that means you go blind.
Today back in Vancouver I had an appointment with my doctor again, because I had been having similar symptoms in my left eye, and sure enough he gave me the news that I have the same condition in that eye as well.
It doesn't mean that the condition is progressing, it's not uncommon to have it in both eyes, but I was really hoping he would tell me there was nothing there. And even though it isn't progressing, just the thought that it might is enough to scare me, and to drag up that same question.
What would you do if you went blind?
I honestly don't know, but thankfully, for now, I don't think I will.
Here's a picture Sabrina took of me with my left pupil quite dilated from the exam today.
