Another essay on quotes from my “Words to Live by” list.
My goal with the series is to trying to breakdown the quotes that resonate with me. Why should you care? I've made a commitment to produce content that I believe will be meaningful to you the reader. I don't think I can find anything more meaningful than being able to show you how I have ended up where I am. That is; retired at 35, happy, able to commit to projects that I find worthwhile and that will have impact by making others lives better.
You don't want to win an argument - you want to Win!
I heard this recently on the Tim Ferriss podcast and I think it sums up the majority of business dealings that you might have.
Although this applies more to the business world than the individuals life, I have found it useful in dealing with certain people and groups. As humans we are set up to defend our own points of view, regardless how wrong we are. It is not often that we have all of the facts about anything so we will have disagreement between people. When you have a disagreement it is usually because one side has more knowledge than the other. I am as guilty as the next person to going beyond my knowledge base and arguing a point that I am not clear about. It is a hard habit to break.
A habit it is though.
The fun thing is that habits can be broken. It is a challenge of course, but if you have read anything else of mine, you will understand my feelings on challenges. 30 or so days of doing something else will put you in a different mindset. The challenge then is to find out how you go about breaking the habit. When it comes to an argument it is often easy to get lost in the emotion of it all. I guess that means that working on your emotions he's going to be one way of recognizing that you are in an argument. Being aware that you will need to get a handle on your ego and your emotions is probably a pretty good start towards being a #betterHuman.
Why arguing is less than ideal
Arguing in the form that we most recognize it; that is two or more people with raised voices closing their minds to the other person's point of view, so they can talk louder to someone who has closed their minds. I don't think it needs explaining then that this is not a great position to be in. Of course there is more nuanced factors to most arguments than what I have put right above, however when we boil it down to it as soon as somebody attacks us we go into defensive mode. The idea is to be aware that we will try and defend our point of view and therefore we can start to open our minds to what the other party are trying to tell us.
An exercise to start
Next time that someone tells you something that you disagree with ask them why they have that opinion. Your first reaction will be to disagree with them, so that should be your trigger to ask them why they believe what they are saying. Even if you disagree with them you will now have more of an idea of where they are coming from. Remember that the reason you are disagreeing is that one of you have more knowledge than the other. Also remember that there is a good chance that you are the one in the wrong.
What does winning look like
The idea behind the quote is to emphasize that the result is the goal. The process does not matter that much of how you achieve the goal. If you spend more time arguing about finer points rather than understanding what you both want to achieve that is just time wasted. I'm sure that I don't have to tell you that in the business world there is a notion about time equaling money. Wasted time is a wasted resource. Winning is meeting your goal that you set out to achieve. If you keep wrestling with people about how to achieve that goal and getting worn out you will have less energy to actually putting to achieving what you want.
How to win
It all comes down to being able to understand why you both have different opinions. In my experience it will take the more aware person to break down the barriers that are being put up. Obviously everybody's style will be different in doing this but the objective is to ask that person why they believe the things they do. I often find that once you have a good understanding then it is much easier to come to an agreement all of where your goals will intersect. One thing that I have also found useful is ask yourself is this person or group out to block, harm or stop you in achieving your goals? Most of the time this is not the case, in fact it is often in the interest of people who are arguing with you that you do achieve your goals. It is now up to you to understand why they are blocking you so that you can alleviate their fears and allow you to move forward. Another tip is to recognize when there is resistance there is the opportunity to relieved that resistance. It is almost like a marker that you can aim for to ensure that knowledge gaps are filled.
Final thoughts.
Enter dealings with a more open mind that usual, all this usually takes is being aware of the fact.
Understand that most people are not trying to stop you but just need more information.
Go into arguments understanding that if you can find the knowledge gaps then both parties have the opportunity to get the most out of it.
If you are wrong, admit it and thank the person. You have just gained information that you didn't have before.
Winning often will allow you to achieve your goals quicker and be able to be a more productive member of your community.