I used to think that I am strong enough to make myself always think positively out of all the negativity that I felt in my ming and heart but now... I am indeed not strong enough.
I can easily be affected by all the bad comments and one single comments make me look back at myself and I will always judge myself as the guilty one, the bad one, the worst one amd everything that should be graded as a low quality human being. I didn't meant the comments, I got here in this platform. It just that I felt bad every day of my life. I believe I am happy currently but I don't know why am I kept having bad thoughts like this.
My laziness, the way I give up on everything when I'm tired of working hard. The way I'm not as everyone else want me to be. The way I answered to other are rude.
When I started writing in steemit, I always write about how I like positive thinking but in real life, I myself is not good enough to be positive, brave and kind to everyone.
I started differentiating people that I would like to help or refuse. I started following negative orders. I started being very very bad to other especially my laziness.
Sometimes, it felt better if I am alone. I won't be able to hurt others. If I kept my mouth shut, I won't be able to hurt others.
I don't know why that everything I did and do since early this year felt so wrong and bad. Everything that I want, I can't have. I started being jealous of others happiness. I'm tired of hoping and waiting for things to be better.
I'm just tired of being strong. Laughing and smiles with faith that tomorrow will be a better day are the only way I can cover my tears away. May that tomorrow, I will be able to forget about myself and put other first just like before. It felt much better that way. It hurt but it felt much better.
To all my reader. Thank you for reading this silly post. It's just that, I felt better writing it down here compare to facebook.
If anyone out there ever felt like this, please guide me to become a better person.
To be strong again without hurting others.
