The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of social disapproval and what is considered socially desirable nowadays are teenagers. If a couple of decades ago their fears ranged from not meeting educational requirements to more basic concerns related to their family's financial resources, today's adolescents loath the though of not being liked on social media platforms. Understandably, men have always been preoccupied by what others think about them. Our urge to be socially acceptable and fit in a group stems from our nature of social animals. But today, more than ever, we seem to be obsessed by our position in society and the need to be approved and praised by our peers. In our continuous quest for encouragement and positive feedback, there's nothing more terrifying than being disapproved.
Why Is the Thought of Not Being Approved so Dreadful?
For biological reasons related to our perpetuation urge and the need to consolidate our position within the group, we can conclude that the fear of disapproval is deep embedded in our DNA. We all want to be successful, to get the things in life we've always dreamed of and being pushed aside by those around us would prevent us from reaching our goals.
Whether we like it or not, we live in groups and depend upon each other. No matter what we want to achieve, personally or professionally, we need other people in order to do it. And in today's society individuals who are more likable than others seem to get ahead and accomplish their goals faster than those who are marginalized for being socially awkward.
What Does the Fear of Socia Disapproval Lead to?
Most of us are accompanied by this fear throughout their life. This silent companion watches all our moves and, unknowingly, influences our decisions. Most essential moment of our lives require rational thinking and this is when the fear of social disapproval steps in decisively. Choosing what school to go to, when to get married and have kids or whether to change your job or not are all critical decisions which we might rush to make out of the fear of not being like the others.
Choosing to take this steps based on what most of our peers do in these situations enables us to become a part of the group, to follow the pattern and receive approval for our willingness to embrace the tendencies.
What's the bottom line for us in al this? We feel calmer, more at ease and glad to be just like the others and, consequently, be accepted by them. The feeling of being on the right side of the barricade provides us a strong sense of security, something most of us crave for, something society has taught us to crave for.
When Is the Fear of Social Disapprova no Longer Valid?
Just like any other fear, this one can also disappear in time. Whether you actively take steps against it, or you simply let time and experience cure you, the fear of social disapproval might become less of a concern at a certain point in your life.
Often, people who have experienced trauma or life-changing events are no longer preoccupied by being a part of the gang and adhere to the stereotypes. They are no longer willing to do it because they know that they are already far beyond this stage. The events in their lives have shown them how fragile, and (maybe) futile, existence is, so why bother pleasing others while at it?
Others simply get tired of feeling forced to fit in, to be just like the other guy, to always do what's expected, what's considered correct by most people.
No matter what your reason for giving up the urge of being socially approved is, once you get here, you'll probably never go back.
And Finally ... What to Do to Overcome This Fear?
Just like any other fear, it needs practice and strength to be dealt with. First, you should be realistic and honest with yourself. Try to analyze your deeds objectively and admit to yourself how preoccupied you really are by getting approval. Once you've understood how serious your case is, you can focus on different aspects in order to overcome the fear of disapproval:
No matter how good you are, you'll always step on someone's toe. Therefore, it's needless to feel stress and anxious all the time. Just like Murphy said, if something bad is bound to happen, rest assured that it will.
Nobody is perfect. You don't need much to believe this cliché. Just take a look around you, think of your parents, your colleagues, your children even. Have they always treated you rightly when you did them good? Have they always taken the right steps in all their endeavours? The answer is probably not. So, while it is perfectly good to strive to do your best at all times, it's also beneficial not to be to harsh on yourself.
Other people's choices might not be right for you. Think of who you really are and what you want to achieve in life. Do you want to become what your parents hoped you would or what you've always dreamed you would?
- Making others happy doesn't necessarily mean you'll be happy as well. Think about the last time you did something you didn't really want to just because you wanted to please somebody else. How did it make you feel? Rewarded, at first, maybe, because you managed to satisfy a beloved one. Nonetheless, if your willingness to compromise extends over a longer period of time or if you are the only one who's doing sacrifices, no thank yous will suffice.
There is a thin line between the need to please and the anxiety triggered by not being able to do it. It's normal to want to belong and feel appreciated, but this urge can devastate us if we don't keep it under control.