For the past 2 weeks~ I've been out of it. I've had no motivation to do anything at all.
I suffer from depression.
I don't want to be like this, but according to doctors, it's simply a chemical issue in my brain.
There's been so many days in my life when I haven't wanted to wake up or even be alive, where I've seen life as pointless and meaningless and purposeless... And I've been struggling with that for a very very long time.
It comes in waves and I never know when to anticipate it. It always comes back though.
I wish it would just go away.
I tell myself that I don't even have anything to be depressed about and that I'm just being a little bitch because there's so many people with so much less than I, and they continue to fight to live day in and day out. Sometimes this works and pulls me out of it, sometimes it drags me further into it's depths due to a feeling like, "You're right, they have it much worse and you're complaining about YOUR life, you're a real piece of shit, you know."
All that bullshit aside; I hate this.
I hate this dark beast I deal with.
I recently had a friend of mine hang themselves from the banister of the 2nd floor in their house...
It made me feel even worse.
Another one of my friends, gone.
I struggle to keep my head above water, but sometimes I feel like, "What's the fucking point? What's the point in living anyway? To have nice things? To go nice places? Fuck all that... It means nothing to me."
I honestly don't know what to do, because I know I'm not the type to actually off myself... But I'm tired of being this pitiful sack of shit that I am and I just need something in my life that can improve things. I've tried antidepressants and they didn't work, not a single one of them. I've tried talking to "professionals" but I always ended up stumping them and leaving them with no real words to say to try to assist me. I make valid points about life being meaningless and how I know all the things I could have... but how they also mean nothing because eventually, we all waste away regardless of that fact.
For anyone struggling with this same situation... I know what you're going through.
I wish I could say it gets better, but it doesn't, it's just always there, our "dark cloud."
The one thing I WILL say, however, is that we are stronger than it.
I am alive today because I have never allowed it to control me.
I've never allowed those thoughts and feelings to force me to succumb to a darker fate.
I know that I have people who love me and care about me and that keeps me going.
Ending your own life is a coward's way out, it resolves nothing.
I've been addicted to 2 songs lately and they have a lot to do with the subject.
One of them is "Ghost" by Badflower and the second is "Bother" by Stonesour.
In the beginning of the video for Ghost, there's a quote that says,
"Suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting worse. It eliminates the possibility of it ever getting any better."
And these words hit home with me, because they are the simple truth.
Ending your life does not solve things, it simply creates grief and pain for those who are still here.
It ensures that you'll never be happy, because you will be gone.
No one knows what's next, but what we do know is that once you're gone from this world, this life, you never come back...
If you're struggling, feel free to contact me, leave a comment, whatever you wish.
I am here for you and I am struggling just like you are.
Life isn't perfect and life isn't always easy.
Especially when nearly every waking moment, you wish that you were no longer alive.
I know what it's like.
I've lived this my entire life.
Reach out to me.
Please.
The Badflower video "Ghost."
The Stonesour video "Bother."
There is hope, even in our darkest days.
Keep your head up and keep moving forward.
You've got so much to live for, believe me, even if you lose sight of that at times...