I have spoke about my depression and about the abuse I went through as a child. I sometimes over think about why it happened to me, was there something wrong with me. I have always tried to please people especially my parents, maybe if they were proud of me they wouldn't want to see me hurt. I have spent most of my adult life wondering why wondering why I wasn't enough.
I have been through counselling and always asked that question, the most I have got back is It wasn't my fault, This is there problem which tells an abused person absolutely nothing. I also often think about, what would I be like if the abuse didn't happen, would I be a different person, would I think differently, would my life have been any better.
I know it wasn't my fault as I asked them hundred's of times to stop and leave me alone, maybe I didn't shout loud enough, I definitely wasn't heard. I have so many questions that need answers sadly the only ones who can give me those answers are my abusers, 2 are dead and 1 I avoid at all costs as I don't want him to see that it still affects me. I also think how can a mother not apologise for treating there daughter wrong and not want to clear the air before they die. My mother died, we didn't speak for around 20 years, she died on a Friday I didn't find out until the following Monday and it wasn't family who told me it was a friend from school. I will never get an answer from her.
I have posted about the counselling I have had, the different kinds of therapies and how they have affected me, what's worked and what hasn't. Somethings click and help other things make me think why, For instance some counsellors will ask you to face a empty chair and imagine your abuser is sitting there, what would you say to them, I can't do that I can't get angry with an empty chair. I did find writing a letter to them, then posting it through there letterbox, this way they would read my writings but have no one to reply to. This makes me feel good.
Its hard to understand someone and why they do something when you wouldn't dream of doing what they have done. I am lost when I think about abusing my daughter, the thought scares me, I could never do that to anyone especially my very own child, I could never be so cruel and the guilt would eat away at me. So how can an abuser do it, do they have no heart or feelings, are they made differently, its an answer all abused people would like to know.
I was on Facebook one day last week when I saw a post from someone I know, but reading it and seeing what is happening really clicked with me.
One little boy is over the moon with his 3rd position where as the winner is crying and not happy, he obviously wants more. This shows peoples state of mind and how different we all can be. I put mu abusers as the winner, never happy, the saying I get is You can't please everyone. What does the photo say to you?
Thank you for visiting. 💟💟
