Setting boundaries is just the first step in getting your needs met. You also have to enforce them in a constructive way. If you don’t, people will walk all over you and ignore your boundaries.
Enforcing your boundaries doesn’t have to be a stern or rigid process. You can even incorporate humor into it.
Automate Things
You know the “Do Not Disturb” feature on the iPhone? Why not use it? You can also automate text messages and other notifications after hours. For example, if colleagues try to message you after you’ve gone home, an automated text can let them know you’re offline.
Of course, you can always ignore after-hours messages manually, but sending an automated response reinforces your boundary and reduces the pressure of having to enforce it yourself.
Come Up with a Default Phrase
At the end of a long day, you might be too tired to uphold your boundaries. When you’re exhausted, you’re more likely to give in. However, every time you fail to enforce your boundaries, people learn they can violate them again.
Having a default phrase makes enforcing boundaries easier. Instead of coming up with something on the spot, you can rely on a go-to response that requires no extra mental effort. Here are some examples:
- That doesn’t work for me right now.
- Let me get back to you on that.
- I appreciate you asking, but I’ll have to say no this time.
- I love you, but I need to take care of myself right now.
- Let’s agree to disagree on this for now.
- I’m taking some time for myself today. Thanks for giving me that space.
- I’m not comfortable with that, and I need you to respect my boundary.
- I’m going to pass this time, but I hope you have fun.
- That’s not my thing, but thanks for thinking of me.
- I’d love to support you in another way, but I can’t be there in person.
- I’ve already said no, and I need you to respect that.
- We’ve talked about this, and my stance hasn’t changed.
- This is not up for discussion. Thanks for understanding.
- I’m firm on this. I hope you can respect where I’m coming from.
Additional phrases for specific situations:
- I need to wrap this up, but let’s revisit it another time.
- This isn’t a good time for me to discuss this, but I’ll reach out when I’m ready.
- I hear what you’re saying, but I need time to reflect.
- I really appreciate you asking, but I’ll have to decline.
- Thanks for including me, but I’ll have to sit this one out.
- I care about you, and this is what I need to feel respected.
- I want to give this the attention it deserves, but right now isn’t the right time.
Offer Alternatives
This is a common way people enforce boundaries without realizing it. Offering an alternative allows you to set a boundary while maintaining a positive relationship. It creates a win-win situation where both parties feel satisfied.
However, sometimes offering an alternative isn’t possible—and that’s okay too.
Show Gratitude
Some may argue that you shouldn’t have to thank people for respecting your boundaries, but expressing appreciation can strengthen relationships. Many people underestimate how powerful gratitude can be in reinforcing positive behavior.
Instead of thanking someone for respecting your boundary directly, thank them for their understanding.
For example:
- Thank you for understanding that I needed some alone time—it really helped me recharge.
- Thanks for giving me the time to process things; I feel much better now.
- I’m grateful that we could discuss this openly—it makes me feel valued in our relationship.
- Thank you for speaking calmly during our conversation earlier—it helped me stay present.
Showing gratitude highlights the benefits of your boundaries and encourages others to respect them in the future. When people feel appreciated, they’re more likely to continue honoring your needs.
Too often, we focus on negativity when people don’t respect our boundaries. Instead, reinforcing positive behavior with gratitude can create a more supportive dynamic.
Rather than dwelling on past conflicts, emphasize what people are doing right.