I love talking with you. When I meet you for the first time, it is always different. It happens randomly - sometimes in a cafe, sometimes at a friend's house, sometimes a random remark while we are both at the same time at the same place, sharing a moment.
I love big talk...not small talk about the weather or the latest sport event. I love asking questions and often within minutes, you open up. You share your biggest fears, deepest desires and secret thoughts with me.
You think about life and you doubt yourself.
You are unsure about your job, your partner, your friends, your everything.
You open your phone and see your friends in perfect wedding photos, going places you dream off, becoming mums or dads and you feel like the biggest loser on the planet. Your life is this messy, rugged, windy road of friendships and jobs. You have experiences that your friends don't understand. You have different hobbies, you read books they wouldn't get, you eat foods they never heard of.
You are different.
You think deeply.
And you always have the same kind of question....
What is my road to this magical place that everyone seems to call happiness?
How can I make the right decision?
How can I make sure that my next step is a smart move?
And then you start looking at your phone again, swiping and scrolling, travelling into the land of Comparia, taking the shortcut through Doubtville and sometimes your silly subconscious thought GPS gets you straight onto the highway to Anxietopia. Your head is heavy, your neck round, your face glows in the blue light of the screen. You sigh. Thoughts creep up deep inside you that you'll never be a part of "them".
I have seen it over and over and I know, only a change of your mindset is needed to turn the pale blue light on your face into something else.
I am ready.
Provocation is a good start....so I laugh.
Your frown turns into a surprised raise of an eyebrow. Bang. I got your attention.
"Of course!" I say. Your eyes widen a little more. I quickly glance at your carefuly selected outfit, the way your shoes match the colour of your belt, the effort you put into your hair this morning - and my brain quickly generates an example to work with....
"What do you mean, of course?"
"Of course, you don't know how to make the right decision. What is the best thing to wear?"
"I don't get it - you mean, today? For me? Right now?"
I admit that I enjoy spending a few nanoseconds watching the slightly puzzled look on your face. You are leaning forward, shuffling a tad closer to me. You put the phone down - the newsfeed has to wait.
I shrug my shoulders, trying to keep the conversation just as casual as if I had said something about the weather. But I know, life is too short for small talk, and there is something special in you that wants to come out - and I will do what it takes to get you there.
Back to the clothes question.
"Yeah, you know, if you had only one outfit in your wardrobe, what would that be?"
You give me that look that says ....what a weird question but it's also kinda interesting and I want to know where this is going...
You look upwards and to the upper right corner of your eye. Memories of my training are coming back .....good old NLP stuff - you are creating an answer, using your visual imagination. You start to mentally go through your wardrobe, trying to see things in front of your inner eye, trying to create the picture I asked you to share with me.
Then you reply - just to fill the gap of silence, just to give yourself a little bit more time.
"Uh...that's a good question..."
I nod, grin and wait.
You struggle. Finally, your eyes move back to me.
"I don't know...I guess...It depends."
"Depends on what?"
"Well...you pick an outfit based on what you want to do that day. And it also depends on the season and the weather."
I smile. "Guess it's the same with life."
You do the eyebrow raise again. I start explaining the metaphor.
"Well...If you figure out what kind of weather you are going to experience, you can pick the right clothes for it. So, in regards to your life, let's use an example. If you want to have more days with outdoor hikes, you get your walking shoes out, grab a backpack, and sign up for a hiking club. In the beginning, you might not be expereinced enough, and you buy the wrong jacket, or pick a backpack that's too small.
Over time though, you understand exactly how you like your hikes, and what people you love going with - if any.
So - to figure out your best decision, tell me what you want you next hike to be like? Up a mountain? Will you need to cross a river? Is it 3 hours or 5 days?"
You stroke your chin. The thinker gesture. You get my analogy and start pondering.
"I want to have more peace in my life. Less pace, more family time. I want to be healthier and go on a two weeks holiday in the next 6 months."
"So what kind of "clothes" will you need? What is something you haven't got ready and need to pack or learn?"
"I guess, the first thing would be a reduction in hours. I have a lot over overtime and my partner just started a business so I could offer more support with looking after the kids. I have to think about holiday options and where to go."
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and so on, and so forth...turning your struggles into pictures is a great tool to get your brain to do what it naturally loves to do - solving problems. If you think about big and complex things the same way you think about little & easy examples, the solution will be right in front of you.
Ps: this is my first post here - please tell me if you like the topic, and what other psychology/motivation topic you like me to write about next :-) Thank you!!
Speak soon,
kiwijen