There were many years where I felt alone. The feelings of aloneness started in my late teens and continued in the background here and there for the next decade and a half.
It didn't matter where I was, in Bali, in Cuzco, Peru having the seemingly most envious vacation or at home or waking up in the morning or driving on a cloudy day. Pretty much anywhere, anytime.
Feelings of emptiness, of disconnection from others, the goodness of life and mainly, disconnection from myself.
It was as if I entered a trance and I seemingly couldn't get out of it. Like I was locked in. Hello?? Anyone home? Apparently not! When I was in that state, it was like I went to another planet with population: me.
I didn't know what the feeling was or what to do about it for years. It was uncomfortable. It was awful. It was sad, it was my own terror.
Eventually I sank into a 4 year long depression and on my knees, I begged and pleaded for a solution. Anything.
I was dying inside.
I began seeing a therapist, then a life coach and eventually, through a myriad of divine interventions in the form of books, blog posts and whatever else entered my life, I was able to rise again.
I rose from my knees, I rose to my feet and I began connecting with something bigger than me. The universal energy.
When I was depressed and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I feared the depression would return. At the time I felt like it was a condition that had descended upon me that I had no control over. But soon, even that would change.
The end of my depression and start of a new and joyous life was about 3 years ago. What I've discovered since then has been miraculous. I've discovered and experienced first-hand that there is a power far far beyond our thoughts and our emotions and everything we think of as "me". A power so benevolent, so magnificent and so truly loving and it's available to you and me. And the best part is, you can call on it anytime, because it is you.
I know, it sounds far fetched, especially during those times when we're in the darkest pits of our own nightmares. It seems like you can't feel or see anything beyond your current panic. I've been there! Oh my god have I been there.
This morning I felt a tinge, a small tinge of a loneliness, a depression-like feeling around me. It's every so often, once in a while and it lasts fewer than a few hours.
This time, I knew it wasn't real. And I invite you to try this tool out when you feel this way: pull out a journal or piece of paper and ask your Angels that guide you (or if that sounds far-fetched, ask the universe or the higher benevolent force that supports you, for guidance). What I literally wrote on my paper this morning was "Angels and guides – what will it take to change this? These feelings of loneliness, of depression?"
Now relax your body and mind and wait for an answer or awareness to come. It can be a thought or a feeling or a sensation.
You can also ask your Angels or this energy, "what do you wish to tell me today?" and you will receive an awareness.
Remember: don't judge yourself, you literally can't do it wrong!
I know many suffer during the winter months and/or during the holidays. But what if next time this comes up, you could choose to be and do something different? What if you didn't let these feelings get you down? What if you could come out of it as easily as you went into it? It's there my friends. Waiting for you.
Allow this grace to fill you, gently...
No rush, you can't get it wrong :)