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I was privileged to counsel a young couple whose major issues have been repeated conflicts concerning their future and their decision making processes. In the aftermath of their very passionate defense of each spouse's stand point, I would like to share a few words of advice with us all; both the single and the married.
Where purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable. For the unmarried who may have questions about certain aspects of marriage, I implore you to read, research and ask about stuff especially because it has been proven that nothing is new under the sun. Many people, especially women, get married thinking about having all their needs met by their spouses. That unfortunately, is not correct. Marriage is mostly about meeting the needs of your partner and not vice versa. If the couples commit to marriage with this mindset, both focused on giving rather than taking, their problems are already half solved.
Have clear and defined goals before you get married, and share both the goals as well as the plans you have towards achieving them with your spouse to be. It is always better that your partner knows exactly where you intend to be eventually. There is a saying that the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago but the next best time is right now. If you are already married and you haven't done this, you aren't too late, do it now. Many couples marry assuming their partners are on the same page about their future; career, number of children, relocation, choice of cars, socialization preferences etc. The harsh reality of many such erroneous assumptions has been the bedrock or foundation of several cases of divorce and separation.
To keep things fresh and evergreen, ensure you take a regular inventory of your marriage. This is kinda like going for your annual medical check up. You want to weigh and examine the pros and cons of your relationship. It helps you both learn your strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, blind spots and strong points so that you can work them to your advantage as a couple. This can only be made possible through effective communication. Sit down and talk about what you both want from your marriage from time to time. Tell your spouse what your wants and needs are and ensure you listen to theirs as well. Every relationship is only as deep as it's truth level. Be open, be honest. Even though spouses may seem to know each other's minds, never assume your spouse knows your thoughts about all things. Only God knows all things and it is unfair to put your partner in a position where they have to always try to read you mind.
Never compare your spouse to someone else. Comparing can be healthy if you are using the comparison to set worthy goals e.g in a bid to pattern an aspect of life after that of a role model or mentor. There is absolutely nothing wrong with aspiring to be like great people. Comparison however becomes dangerous and unhealthy when it is motivated by covetousness; wanting or desiring someone or something that belongs to someone else. Are you comparing your wife to that other woman because you desire her for her shapely figure? Are you comparing your husband to that man because you desire his bank account or his prowess? Be careful guys.
We often take our spouses good points and strengths for granted. Be careful to avoid this marriage booby trap. Your wife might not be shapely but she might be a great cook and an incredible source of financial support for you. Your husband might not be very expressive or romantic but he could be a great father to your kids and a fountain of endless encouragement for you in your pursuit of your life's goals. It is so very easy to see things we don't like about our spouses because we are so familiar with them and ignore their great attributes. The unfortunate thing is that not everyone would be as blind. Everyone craves approval and admiration and your spouse would definitely have others who recognize and admire their strengths and tell them as much. If care is not taken, they may begin to develop an emotional attachment to such people. The ripple effect of such emotional dependence is usually infidelity.
Guys, let's all be realistic; no one is perfect. Your partner cannot be 100% of everything to you. They can only complement you, not complete you. Only God can complete you. For every unlikeable thing about your spouse, think of two likeable things about them that you are grateful for. Do this, it would helped you keep a cool head and maintain your commitment to your spouse. The grass isn't always greener on the other side even though it looks like it is. If you leave your partner for another, there is a pretty great likelihood that you would encounter challenges in the new relationship too. Take care to nurture and cherish the man or woman you have chosen.