We have all been there. Disappointed, rejected, betrayed, or hurt by another person. It feels awful, but it's all a part of being human and opening ourselves up to relationships with others.
"The greater your capacity to love,
the greater your capacity to feel the pain."
Maybe it was an overbearing boss, an unforgiving friend, a partner that walked out, or a date that never called you back. Perhaps you were fired unfairly, a friend suddenly stop returning your calls and responding to your texts, or someone you love took advantage of you. These situations can leave you hurt, confused and make it hard to find your groove again. Or worse, they can get you stuck in the cycle of ruminating constantly about the "why" of it all, letting it erode your power and self-worth and giving someone else's actions power over your peace of mind.
So what do you to when someone hurts you? How do you stay open and forgiving? How do you respond in a way that supports your own well-being?
It's natural to want to go on the "attack," lashing out in anger and blaming the other person,
or to internalize and start obsessing about what you did or didn't do to cause their behavior. After all, our egos scream for justice and our hearts just want answers. We may even be tempted to hold a grudge, plot a little payback, or vow to keep that from happening again by letting the situation change us from a warm and loving person into someone shut off from love and relationships. In reality, all of those choices only end up hurting ourselves in the long run.
The way people treat you is not about you, it's about them, who they are, and what they are going through. Let me repeat. The way people treat you is NOT about you. It's about THEM. The caveat, of course, is that there may be those times when any one of us could have said or done something that hurt the other person and in those cases we just need to make amends.
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
But for those other times, when you get the wind knocked out of you and are left suffocating under the weight of disappointment, rejection, or betrayal, what then? As cliche as it may sound, it truly is helpful to let the other person, and/or the situation, go. Metaphorically, and sometimes, in reality.
I know it can sound laughable, especially when we are in pain. We hear the phrase 'let it go" all the time. And if you have ever been hurt by another human being, you know that "letting go" is much easier said than done.
But it is necessary. Necessary to your well being. Necessary to honor and respect yourself. Necessary to set emotional boundaries. Necessary to begin healing. Necessary to actively forgive the other person.
Letting go is empowering.
But what does it really mean to let someone or a situation go?
Here's what works for me...
I admit, I have had to use this technique more often than I would have liked to, but well, people are human, and so it goes.
Intention: From a psychological perspective, intention is a way to focus your mind and align your thoughts toward a goal, desire, or outcome. Intention is the first step, but just having the intention of letting go, is often not enough.
_"Our intentions create our reality."
Dr. Wayne Dryer_
I prefer to set the intention of wishing the other person well. As totally crazy as that might sound, it works for me. Every. Single. Time. It can do wonders for your peace of mind. It is forgiving (even if you don't feel like forgiving), cleansing, and empowering all at the same time. It puts you in alignment with doing what is best for your own well-being.
Holding onto the anger, bitterness, and hurt does absolutely nothing to the other person, and you only end up hurting yourself in the long run. Emotions and actions naturally follow from what we think about. That is why the more you think about something bad, the worse you tend to feel. Likewise, choosing to wish the offending person well has a similarly positive effect on you.
Speak: Here's where it gets good, or weird, depending on your perspective. Words have tremendous power, especially when setting intentions, or speaking affirmations. I literally speak the words out loud. At any given time, you could possibly find me outside on my back patio saying the words, "[insert name], I wish you well." I often add on a few other fun things like peace, love, joy, or whatever else comes to mind, just for good measure. While doing so, I am mentally letting go of the offenses and sometimes the relationship or situation, depending on the circumstances.
It is not always easy. Sometimes you may have to say the words through tears, or anger, because the situation is still fresh, but it is always necessary and always beneficial. I have found that it is next to near impossible to hold onto the negative thoughts while you are sincerely wishing someone a multitude of blessings.
“Intentions compressed into words enfold magical power.”
~Deepak Chopra
Repeat: One simple "patio session" won't make all the disappointment, rejection, anger, or hurt disappear instantaneously. This is a wash, rinse, repeat, kind of process. You need to actively, sometimes daily, reset your intentions, wish the other well, and let go.
Over time, when sad, negative, or angry thoughts creep in to your mind about a particular situation with someone, a simple, "I wish you well" can be enough to kick them out of your head, so you can keep it moving forward in a positive frame of mind.
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