I am a good person. Steming from a bumpy ground, lacking nurturing elements - but stubbornly gravitating towards more benefic contexts.
I am trying to solidify this image in me, now more than ever.
Every day there is something that facilitates the access to myself, on very different levels. It's not like everyday I go deeper, I think going deeper happens in full cycles, and I feel like I am approaching a closure of one of those.
First I moved to a new city, then I got distracted with money issues, and so I worked and worked, but there was a well defined null regarding positive emotions and connections with others. And after a while I had so much life sucked out of me, that I flipped the table and sent off the jobs I believed were messing up my life-quality. i seriously struggled with money, and so with housing and food and investing in new frienships and maintaining existing ones and self-value. For months I lived free of charge in an artist house where I (barely) knew a couple of people. Some were putting so much trust in me and my thoughts that it literally didn't let me sink irreversibly. And in tiny baby-steps I progressed from there. I found a place to live on my own and ways of making my quality time worth money, not a lot of it, but enough to make me feel somewhat more confident to strive for even more positive changes. Also a couple of people kind of became part of my routine, and so I started to rejuvenate slightly and feel worthy again. Love-front was deserted. But there was not enough freedom or self-love in me to cultivate a healthy relationship anyway.
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The anxiety has covered me slightly. I lit up a cigarette. 36th minute of this set https://www.mixcloud.com/quanticaonline/lama-show-ep1-batatas-fritas-bouas-presented-by-dj-dealy/ .
I put off the cigarette with a little help of mint-cannamon-orange tea.
I'm back.
"I should write some more" I think. So I do.
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I still pulled hard, myself and those few around me. There were so many important things I was dismissing because I wouldn't give myself enough credit, I also knew I couln't let or ask others to do them for me. As usual, the accumulation of frustration would wake up addictions : clinging to people, to drugs, to poor diets. Brrr, terrible. And so I made myself sick. As in emotionally,physically,intellectually. My whole being just became deseased, weary and nearly unfuctional. Hormonal imbalances, infections, deep depression, panic attacks - you name it - the imbalance was obvious, it was there and no set of pills could simply drive it away. After a month of total misery I set down with myself. That was what happened: I trully, loyally set there with everything I do and don't identify as being my self. That was a beginning, not in any way a disclosure. A new light was shining in and warming me up.
The journey's incommensurable, unless we submit it strictly to generalizing notions.
Today, I feel significantly more in touch with my powers. Today I know there is so much more to become. And so, today I want to pay it forward. All the kindness and trust and support I have received, and all of which I have yet to assimilate - these are not translatable in one text or even a larger set of words and sentences. But as I start to crawl, I prepare myself to walk.
The quietude is ascending.
With kindness,
E.
