I am still surprised that I posted the last post about becoming an open book! Shocked in a very positive way with aftershocks every few hours! In all honesty, I thought I would get a panic attack after pushing the post button, but that never happened. Like always, I was scared for nothing because I only got amazing and loving replies! I am not surprised at the fact that people here reply in these ways on the platform because I have seen over and over again how touching and loving most of the steemians are! Thank you for all your wonderful and kind words! They helped me in many ways and also gave me the push I still needed to continue on the open book journey I am taking!
Mirror, mirror on the wall, tell me which mask I should wear to the ball!
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I'm even breaking away from the expectation that some people might have that I would draw an original image for this post. Maybe that's real, maybe that's my imagination but that doesn't matter.
For as long as I remember, I have been the girl you will find in the dark corners of a room or far away from the crowd. Which is, in a way, very funny because I am a very social person who loves to talk and chat about everything that life has to offer. I love to spend time with family and friends, yet even at a birthday party you would not see me sitting in the middle of the room. You would mostly find me in the kitchen taking of drinks and snacks! Yes, I avoided the conversations, I avoided sitting in a circle, and I avoided the chance where people could ask me questions! I no longer do that, but the struggle is still there. I have to push myself into the room and most of the time force myself to smile because when I am in that room, I do not feel good.
How do I feel? Sick, scared, and nervous to mess things up, to say the wrong things, to spill drinks or to trip and roll over the floor. Because I am that nervous, I do get myself in even more trouble! Try eating a piece of cake and not drop it on the floor or your lap while you can't even stop your hands from shaking. Try grabbing a snack from the table without being seen while your legs feel like elastic and you end up face down on the table! Hilarious moments....mostly for others. Not to mention the fact that people in a room always seem to feel the need to all talk at the same time. Seriously....All that sound is so confusing and makes me act like I am already in a straightjacket and ready to be taken to the hospital.
Right at the moment, I bring my shaking hand to my mouth holding an always too small fork with some cake balancing on the edge, someone taps me on my shoulder and asks me a question I hardly understand because I am focusing on not spilling the cake. Which always ends with me either throwing the cake across the room or answering a question with the wrong answer while I have my mouth full. Both are not recommended. Throwing cake in someone's face is frowned upon even more than dropping the whole piece in your lap, and second, talking with your mouth full of cake and cream results in words flying through the air together with crums and .... Do I need to say more?
I damn well know that me being nervous is causing more trouble than I can handle and I should not be nervous. Or at least, that is what the world tells us. There is no need to be nervous, to be shy, to be scared. I can't count the many times when people told me that I am silly for feeling this way. That it makes no sense for me to be scared or shy because there is no reason for it. The times they told me that I should just sit down and relax. Or the not so nice comments like, stop overreacting, act normal! Or the certain looks someone gives you who make you feel like you want to be six feet under the ground. I know that most of these tips come from a good heart, but honestly, they hurt.
Please understand that my mind and heart both know that the advice people are trying to give me comes from a place of love and a desire to sincerely help. But. Now you might think, why does something like giving good advice hurt? Because the advice given is telling me that I need to change the way I am behaving. That the way I react to certain things is wrong and I need to behave in a different way than I am doing. That when I just sit down and relax everything will be better than entering the room being who I am. Sound weird? We are all wired in different ways, and this is how my brain is wired. This is how I react to the world around me. To the sounds that find my ears, the words spoken, the colors that dance before my eyes and smell that enters my nostrils. To the music that plays in the background but sounds like thunder in my ears. I can NOT just sit down and relax, and I can NOT focus on just one person when the room sounds like a chicken coop. Every little sound made makes my brain go into this state and why is that wrong? Is it wrong because most people react differently? Is it wrong because humanity likes to see people all behave in the same way? Is it wrong because others say its wrong? Is it wrong because we are being told by doctors that behavior like this is not normal?
While I always respect advice and the loving meaning behind them, it still hurts me. But, as I said before, things have changed. I do talk at birthday parties, and I do eat my cake, shaking hands and all. Did I listen to what people were telling me? Yes and no. The thing that has changed is the fact that I finally accepted myself just the way I am. I "do" no longer put on a mask to hide that I am shy or not confident about things. I "do" no longer hide the fact that my nervousness is part of who I am. I embraced it. I embraced myself. And if that means that the person next to me ends up with cake on their face, so be it! I am no longer asking my mirror which mask to wear before I enter a party because I am going to that party just being who I am, ME!
