What? Lots of people prance around on their decks in nothing but a hat and a belt...right? I was around age 37 here. In my photos, anytime you see this posture of me holding my bum like that it's because I was worried. Yes, look at how perfectly acceptable and lovely all of me was then. And yet I still worried it wasn't perfect enough!!
I am a type 6 on the enneagram. The #enneagram is a tool for better understanding yourself and others. 6s maintain a sense of safety and security by constantly scanning and planning and trying to foresee and then offset risks, dangers and problems. Effectively we are attached to outcomes and try to control them. We are masterful worst-case-scenario thinkers, because without awareness we constantly scan for "what's wrong with this picture." Again, it's only out of trying to feel safe and comfortable.
Then I am a sexual 6, which means my primary concentration towards feeling safe and secure is feeling sexually attractive. Feeling desired makes my ego feel safe and like it has a purpose, a place, a value...
So that's the story of why my hands are cupping my perfectly adorable bottom here. I had all that ✨ going on, but my little sexual 6 brain, as usual, was scanning and searching for SOMETHING to worry about. Scanning for anything that maybe could be a little better, it thought, that would help my ego relax and feel perfectly desirable, safe, and secure. Problem is, as with all ego games, there is no winning or end to this approach. There is never "good enough" or "perfect enough." So long as we remain unaware of these deeper programmings we are blindly trapped within their exhaustive cycles.
I am still a sexual 6. It's my root nature, or how I'm wired. I still like to feel desirable. But I am now at least awake to my underlying psychological programming driving it. So hopefully I'm able to still play in this little ego game of life, but not take it all so damn seriously. I am starting to witness it playfully. ✌🏽😎💋