Suppose you’re an alien from outer space, you arrive to planet earth and start exploring this beautiful planet. But first things first, let’s get the basics right.
Water, Fire, Air, Earth... And what was that fifth element again?
Oh yeah! Wi-Fi.
You head to some popular coffee shop called Starbucks. You stop at the door and notice they have a peculiar logo.
It looks like some double-tailed mermaid with a fetish for jewelry. Well that’s strange.
You figure she’s just trying to cover up her Siamese affliction with extra jewelry. Everyone has something to compensate for, right?
You go inside, wait in line, and order a coffee.
“How do you want it?”
I don’t know… In a cup?
“No, I mean… You can have a Blonde Roast, a Clover Brewed, a Special Dark, a Flat White, a Molten Chocolate, a Caramel Macchiato, a Caramel Flan Latte, a Hazelnut Macchiato, a Cinnamon Dolce, a Pumpkin Spice, a Peppermint Mocha, a Smoked Butterscotch, and a last but not least, a Tiramisu Latte.”
Holy crap!
“Oh yeah, we have 39 different kinds of coffee!”
Hence the holy crap!
“Beg your pardon?”
You have 39 different flavors of coffee, yet when you vote, you have democrat or republican.
He gives you a mean look and asks for your name.
You say Alien, and he writes it on the cup.
You find a table and you pull a chair, and just when you’re about to sit down…
Damn it! I know this was gonna happen...
They spelled it Aline.
Well, it could’ve be worse. It could’ve been Al Yen… Or Covfefe.
Anyways, you make yourself comfortable, you grab your backpack, open your laptop, type in the Wi-Fi password and when you’re just about to log in to steemit, the craziest thing happens.
Out of nowhere, some dude comes charging up the front door in full throttle pushing chairs away and shooting out spit in his way, all while screaming:
Where the fuck is my Jesus?
At this stage, you’re pretty much sticking your nose in that coffee trying to figure out if Cappuccino contains high levels of alcohol... Or trace elements of Ibogaine.
The guy is now standing right next to you, and he looks extremely outraged.
His face is reddened, his chest is breathing heavy, even his earlobes are fuming…
His head looks like it’s about five seconds away from exploding, but he just won’t just stop asking: Where the fuck is my Jesus?
All of the sudden, a multitude of people appear out of nowhere and they immediately join him. They all seem to display the same emotions of distress. The all seem to be extremely offended about something, but you don’t know what.
Their eyebrows are arched, their cheeks are flaming red, and the outrage is pretty damn uncontrollable.
Their heads are fuming so much they beat the espresso machine in vapor emission.
And strangest of all, they all seem to be asking about the whereabouts of Jesus.
As it turn out, each Christmas, the coffee conglomerate called Starbucks tends to writes “Merry Christmas” on their cups. But this time, someone, somehow forgot to write Merry Christmas and instead they wrote “Happy Holidays”.
And that’s how The War on Christmas started.
The fierce and ferocious outrage has effectively polarized and divided the country.
The science community is still speculating about the reason why all of this drama was ignited , but the general consensus has it that: Not enough Jesus in the coffee.
And now we have an even bigger problem to solve.
How the hell am I supposed to explain this to the other aliens?
You go to the library and you start busting up all sorts of religious books, The Bible, The Torah, The Koran, The Talmud…
Guess what? In all of these books combined, not one reference to a Double Shot, Triple Venti, Half Caff, Non-Fat, extra foam Frappucino… With extra cheese.
None whatsoever.
And you wonder, what were these people expecting anyways? That they miraculously find some passage with Moses waking up in the desert, heading to the Cappuccino machine only to realize that there was no coffee left.
“Damn it, I’m not a morning person!” He takes his staff and jams it into the ground. And the earth splits in two… And with it the sea parts in two as well.
Which ironically explains our mystery of how that Starbucks mermaid got her tail split in two.
Jokes aside, it’s hard to figure out why were so many people offended about that cup of coffee. After all, what possible relationship exists between sacred books and coffee beans?
My guess is, they were just looking for an excuse to get their daily dose of outrage.
All You Need in Life is Outrage
This is not a partisan issue by the way, far from it in fact.
Across the board, everyone is seems to be actively looking for reasons to be outraged. Both on the left and the right.
You see NASA scientists offending people by wearing certain shirts, university students getting offended if someone were to form a different opinion from theirs.
They even go further than that, and claim they suffer from a Micro-Traumatism if someone were to say something they don’t fully agree with.
Any excuse just to feel offended, no matter how ridiculous it may be. And when you can’t seem to find anything to get outraged about… You just make one up.
Like Cultural Appropriation for example.
Cultural Appropriation basically means that under no circumstance you should never, never-ever, never-ever-ever commit the unspeakable crime, the unforgivable atrocity and one of the seven deadly sins: Dressing up like a foreigner.
So if you’re a Caucasian person, then you can no longer dress like Chinese person for example.
You can still wear clothes Made in China though, just not something that a Chinese person would wear.
What use would you have for logic and common sense while you can just sit around and feel offended?
You can stuff your face with Burritos all night long, but God forbid someone snatches a picture of you wearing a sombrero after four shots of Tequila.
You really cannot make this stuff up.
No one seems to be immune to this new outrage phenomenon by the way. Even the president of the United States was recently caught taking offense at football players for the weirdest reason: Bending the knee.
The only way this could get crazier if they made Daenerys Targaryen do a cameo and start shouting:
Bend the knee! Bend the knee! Bend the knee!
And since we’re in the subject of outrage, no human being has exhibited more amounts of outrage in the recent years than Alex Jones. In fact, it’s hard to imagine him not being outraged.
What is he mad about this time?
Oh yeah, they’re turning the frogs gay!
Well, judging by the increasing demand for the frog sized assless chaps in the recent years, how can you not be outraged?
The need for getting offended, that's going to be a hard thing to explain to aliens.