I haven’t been active for over a week already. That’s got to be a record for me. Did I need a break? Well, not really. I just feel something has to change. I felt like conserving my energy for IRL and, well sorry but traditional social media. I’ll explain why in a bit.
I have a new attitude in general too. It goes something like “I love you but I don’t have energy for dumb shit, don’t piss on my vibe and we are all good”. Life is beautiful but we are all a little fucked up, myself as well, so no use pretending we are not and no need to get caught up in someone else’s reality when it don’t feel good. I want to be transparent about my faults and if you can’t love me and forgive me for it then I don’t really need to put any energy into you or what you are doing. If you don’t see how valuable I am, I need to spend more time on myself because I see it and I’ll love myself like none of y’all can.
I’ve given so much and so little of it has been received. I have ultimate love and appreciation for the 10-20 people here who see it and the 10-20 people in IRL who have seen it. Some of them have stuck around and some of them have gotten bored or distracted which is to be expected. Love you. Love you. Love you
I believe in decentralization of power, decentralization of attention, community driven efforts etc. I do. It’s right. But it’s not where we at. I still got a lifetime of baggage Karma with society that I need to work off. I’m practical and I want to get shit done. I’m ok if it doesn’t work but I gotta meet the world where it’s at without hiding that I see some stuff it doesn’t.
I was 10 steps ahead my whole life, finally some people are catching up but I am tired of being at the front morally, I want to take a break and bask in the rewards of the flesh. I might compromise my values a little bit. Let me play. I might contradict myself a bit. Forgive me. Or don’t. It’s your call.
I still feel a lifetime of disappointment at how much society has failed to recognize its own faults. The environment, taking care of each other, racism and sexism or even more broadly overlooked discrimination against people with different perspectives. People are still taking baby steps and I am forced to choose between retreating to the forest or living in the smelly house they’ve built. I appreciate the good work, the effort of so many, but I recognize how misguided it is and I also finally have come to terms with my own flaws. I want to see how my flaws can interact with this smelly ass beautiful falling apart society that we have. I want to let my faults shine.
I’ll come back to my core when I’ve worked off this karma.
Does that make sense?
Let me be a little bit greedy, I’ve done my best to be giving. Let me have a little power, I’ve forfeited so much of it. Let me fuck up a little, I’ve done so much right. Let me fake it a bit. I’ve been so god damn real.
So I’m gonna be two people at once. I’ll be singing two songs, one for y’all who get it and one for y’all who don’t. Money is still stupid but I m going to make it. Prestige is still shallow and often undeserved but I’m going to make use of it.
Perhaps a day is coming when these two selves can merge. It seems society is moving forward faster than before. Soon we won’t have to choose On a collective scale between cynicism and toxic positivity. Soon we will find that sweet spot where we are ok not knowing what’s right but doing our best to figure it out and putting our all into it
As for how I interact here...I think I’m going to continue to put more of my effort to other things outside Hive.
I like Hive. I believe in Hive. But I’m not exclusive to Hive. I could write posts about how great Hive is and get some nice upvotes, but it’s a waste of my energy, I’d just be milking. No disrespect to people who are trying to welcome new users like @sidwrites or @stellabelle or the tech end of things at hive. Huge respect for people like @kennyskitchen and @riversflow who are able to influence this community to the capacity that I had hoped to. Perhaps I have influenced it that way too but I only feel the thanks from the middle and bottom, not from the top. The whales all know me already but I receive little love from them. If they don’t see that I’m just as valuable here as @tarazkp after all these years (and he is valuable) then maybe I have somewhere else to be. I get it though, I’m not their cup of tea and that’s ok. I get good love from some people. But I also know I am needed elsewhere too and so I can’t give more to this community than I have to give. Biggest love to be awesome/deep shit, you all know who you are, you are family. I don’t want to list you for fear of missing someone.
I’m not going anywhere. I’ll still be working on Hive Cross culture in some capacity, although I’m going to relax my expectations for it. I may drop the Deadpost initiative. It seems pretty dead because Hives user base is not growing and generally rewards are much more well distributed than before.
So I’m not going to put all my eggs in one basket but Hive, you are my first choice and I’ll try to bring the fruits of my labor back here to share with all of you.
I’m going to post more what I feel like, or material that I’m sharing on multiple platforms. I’m going to reserve my community interaction for Hive Cross Culture and the friends I’ve made already. I think I’m giving up on trying to do more than I’m capable of doing for this community though. If y’all wanna support what I’m doing then come and support it. If not whatever. It’s not just for me. I have the community in mind but I’ll leave it to you to see that. It may be harder to see because I honestly don’t care about whether or not others are onboard with me anymore, I am simply using others response as a gauge for how I am doing.
Did this post make any sense? Does it just sound like I’m ranting? Or can you feel what I’m expressing?
I love everyone and everything but I’m not going to let any of it shit in my day anymore. Take it or leave it. Peace lovers