I'm a high-level international marketing professional. I'm very well paid, and I've worked in a variety of environments, served clients from every industry you can imagine, and performed mind-bending feats of growing any and all aspects of various businesses. I'd consider myself an expert in my field. While I have no single specialty, I'm extremely well rounded in all facets of marketing. If you have a business or product and a little money to spend, I can turn profits on your advertising budget - always.
I'm currently in the job market and looking to upgrade to something bigger and better. Yet, with all my experience I'm constantly baffled by the requirements, prerequisites, and completely unintelligible lingo employers use in their job descriptions.
I'm not sure whether these people are plagiarizing their job ads or using pre-packaged content provided by "recruitment experts", but there's nothing more frustrating then trying to decode what exactly I'm going to be doing in these jobs I apply for. Sure, the title may be clear but the company bio, job description, requirements, and responsibilities are - for lack of better wording - completely fucked.
Insane and Senseless Company Bios
"Our company delivers first-rate business technologies to global clients in strategic multi-level endeavors for the development of cross-platform growth metrics and client proposition."
I've worked with some of the world's leaders in their respective industries. The above statement tells me NOTHING about what the company does. Is it a software company? Are you manufacturing productivity equipment? What in the actual fuck is your product and what does it do? I've learned nothing. Are you a government entity? Silicon Valley Startup? Pharmaceutical data provider? Are you selling sales-pitches to telemarketing companies? It gets even worse, because the job responsibilities/duties don't help to clarify.
Retardedly Unclear Responsibilities
"Fundamentalize prospective accounts with mapping around organizational structure, people, and existing technology"... Well, how the fuck am I supposed to decipher this? If the company bio was legible and understandable, maybe I'd have a chance at figuring out this job task. Accounts for what? Whose organizational structure, yours or the client's? And how can one "fundamentalize a prospective account", that doesn't even make sense. Complete and utter bullshit. Who's the faux-wordsmith writing this crap, how many fucking espressos did he drink, and who are the people who clear this shit for publication?
"Daily recompositionals of client-facing accountability methodologies" is another favorite example of what my daily duties will be. I still have no clear idea of what the initial product or service actually is, at the most basic level.
What They Want from You
Now that they've melted your brain cells because you still have no fucking idea what the job actually entails, what you'll be doing, or what the company really does, they totally change their tune. This section is usually more clear, nonetheless, nothing more than PC slave language.
"We're not looking for just any old marketer. We're seeking elite talent, those who are the exception to the rule, those of you who break the status-quo and who are capable of thinking and operating outside the box. We need you to you eat, breath and sleep (insert company name). If this sounds like you, we'd love to connect.
First things first, motherfucker. The only thing I eat is food. I breath air, and I sleep in my comfy-ass bed. While this corporo-tongue may be attractive to trendy hipsters who are eager to lick their bosses nuts and toss around trendy catch phrases while describing everything possible in 3-letter abbreviations, a true professional finds it laughable.
"Sure, Tanner. I'll talk to the developer right after I GTB." (go to the bathroom)
"Just PIG it." (Put in Garbage)
"Shit! WOOC! Can someone run to the store?" (We're out of Coffee)
You may think I'm not very professional considering my language, but I don't give a shit. I'm just here writing creatively and honestly. I write professionally and extensively daily, I don't care what anyone thinks. Someone needs to call this out for what it is - these fuckers have had this coming for a LONG time.
They want slaves who fall in line with whatever is popular, inside and outside the office. They really resent people like myself who outperform them and never accept their invites to go frisbee golfing at 7am on a Saturday. Like, I'm not contributing to the "team" by wanting to actually sleep on my fucking day off? Don't worry, Lucas M. can take an extra disc and play for me - write my name on that disc and maybe it'll feel like I'm right there with the team!
The Amazing Perks and Benefits
Whatever it is that this job entails (who the fuck knows), there's one thing that's for sure. PERKS! Let's take a look at the most popular, and why they're bullshit. (Unless you have the mind of a child).
- Free Coffee: Wow, you're actually willing to drug me with stimulants all day so I'm a furiously speedy slave who can answer a client's call within .2 seconds of the first ring, even when the phone is 12 feet and 2 PWS (personal work stations) away? What a perk. Is there any free gatorade, orange juice, bottled water or tea? Of course not....
- Free Gym Membership: Yes, yes.. You promote a healthy lifestyle. Another bullshit perk used by a whopping 11 of your company's 284 employees. And the gym is located on the far side of town on the third-floor of a building with the world's slowest elevator. The lighting will be the dim yellow fluorescent bulbs that remind you of your 6th grade science lab located in a trailer outside the school.
- Unlimited Vacation Days: This is a BIG red-flag.. Ask the boss for factual data on the average number of holidays taken by each employee last year. Statistics show the numbers are less than 10.
- Bagel Thursday: One of the cheapest foods there is, a ring of dough made from GMO wheat and generic Elmer's glue. If this sounds like a perk, you've probably never been outside your hometown before. Talk about "rolling in the dough", your mom would be proud!
None of that shit is a perk to me. What I want is a set of noise-cancelling headphones so I don't have to listen to Chad and Savannah discuss Game of Thrones for the first 30-minutes of my workday. I'm trying to blast through 95 emails that came in since yesterday, and I'm listening to these lifeless saps discuss TV like a bunch of meth-heads. Judging by their undying affection for these TV actors, it's clear that their obsession is far more unhealthy than my disdain for their conversations. Don't even think about telling them you have no "favorite series".
A real perk that would be nice is a big fucking check for a good week of performance. I made an extra $60k this month for our top client, how about giving me $2k extra on my paycheck this month? Maybe you'd get me in the mood to work at my regular speed more often and roll my eyes less. Where's my $800 office chair? Free Weekly Massage certificate? Free monthly book purchase from Amazon? Can I get a $100 gift card for each month I don't call in sick? Fuck no...
Once You're Hired
Suddenly, all that master-linguistics bullshit from the job application is decoded.. What did it mean? It meant that Dan is a lazy ass and he chews his food too loud, often right in your ear as he stands over your shoulder asking if you can maybe help him with "fixing this email thingy".. Oh, sure, Dan. Should I use an integrated approach to opitmizational theoretics to access the plausibility of your "email thingy", or would you prefer that I synchronize the internal metrics of cross-functional systems processes to achieve the required actionable items approximations? By the way, Dan is the CEO.
(basically, this is Dan)
Fucking bullshit is what it is.. I applied for 9 different jobs today, and they're all completely fucking impossible to understand. Maybe I'll change my resume to confuse employers. Maybe I'll use bullshit terminologies that are so vague, they cannot be interpreted. Then I will explain in clear terms, that I'm willing to inject and overdose on my workload if necessary, because no employer should have to settle for a candidate who can only commit to eating, breathing, and sleeping their product 24/7.
Maybe I will change my resume to "Just fucking call me so I can explain to you why I'm the best at making money for you. Then, if you can tell me the meaning of the terms in your published job description, I'll take a couple days to consider if I want to work for your jacked-up, disorganized, dark-bathroomed, politically correct nightmare of a company. IF you're willing to pay me enough, that is."
It's gone overboard. Employers, please note: swallow your pride and stop trying to be what you're not. None of you can use these terms to explain a complicated situation in a real-time work environment if your life depended on it, so stop insulting experts like myself with your pseudo-intellectual Silicon Valley wanna-be bullshit. "Startup" is just another word for a non-functional business ran by poor nerds with no life and rich investors who are using them in a gamble to outperform the competition.
Experts of Wanting to Be Experts
Of all of these growth experts, if you gave them $50k and tell them to double it in 3 days, most would have no idea where to begin.. I'd double it in one day, then repeat on day two and make $100k for myself without any of these "gurus" being any the wiser. They'll be asking me what metrics I used, and I'll tell them "It's all about the wokeness".
(one of the "Gurus")
I'm not trying to sound conceited, I'm just sick of under-trained, inexperienced know-nothings pretending to be ultra-professional when they're not even close. The lot of them are not much more than overpaid, buzzword-using interns who talk a lot of talk but wouldn't be able to do jack-shit if it weren't for their boss or people like me holding their hands all day. I actually had one girl call me to "pre-interview" who couldn't even explain what my job responsibilities actually would be, and had to call me back with another person on the line to help describe the "basics", none of which were properly reflected from the terminology used in their 1,800 word job description.
The job search is proving tough, and I'm turning down offers left and right for no other reason than the bullshit like I've explained above. The country is fucked, and the job market proves it. It's basically like the Dunning-Kruger effect being quoted by those who suffer from Dunning-Kruger. Double-Dunning-Kruger to the fourth power.
......End Rant
(photos sourced from Pixabay)