I agree with you on the availability of pornography, healthy consensual escapist fantasies, that there should be safe spaces and more psychiatric and therapeutic treatment for men and male specific issues without the stigma, and that certain people have resorted to imitating their perceived oppressors by adopting their tactics of policing or being hostile to them. I respect your views and thank you for sharing your experiences. My father left when I was thirteen to be with his mistress, and it put me in a very vulnerable place taking care of an autistic brother and helping my single mother who never graduated high school, nonetheless even learned how to drive a car. She chose to be a housewife and live by the traditions of her upbringing. I don't look down on her for it. I do believe that in her situation and in this society that she improved her life by evolving her perspective on those things.
There are definitely points you make I still disagree with, on factual and philosophical grounds. Historically patriarchal systems, the dominance of white males in the West dude to colonization, the socialization of hetero-normative relationships, the nuclear family...etc, the effects of all these systems are still rippling out into society today. I understand your sentiment of frustration and maybe resentment? at being reminded or "held accountable" for these things, but denying they existed at all and that they don't contribute to happenings today is illogical as well. You don't necessarily need to do anything to have accountability. It's just acknowledgement of inequity or injustice. Humbling yourself to another's experience, instead of prioritizing your own.
The idea that sensitivity or emotion may be considered "feminine" are dismissive, and despite having weight in the sense we are socialized to believe these things, it's not necessarily true. Making it a binary issue is what stands in the way of broader understanding of the facets of the emotional experiences of men. The biological imperative and the belief that men are inherently more violent isn't scientifically sound or natural (in the sense of hierarchy of biological drives) either. It's another form of socialization that's been (for lack of a better term) beaten into our heads the last few centuries. I read a book that helped a lot to give me a wider perspective on a lot of these issues with gender in science, psychology ,and sociological mores that may interest you. 'Same Difference: How Gender Myths Are Hurting Our Relationships, Our Children, and Our Jobs' by Rosalind Barnett.
When people are in a group, especially a group that is a minority, or that have been subjected to historical oppression, perhaps it is best to look at the bigger picture of why they may feel so strongly about these things. 'The New Jim Crow' by Michelle Alexander and "Between the World and Me' by Tah-Nehisi Coates I'd highly recommend to understand race relations in terms of black Americans a lot better. I understand in the UK there are different, unique race relations in terms of the colonization of India and Jamaica that I have zero experience with myself.
I think the problem with stoicism may be a perceived lack of empathy? In the sense that logic is perceived as emotionless in an attempt to be unbiased. I like to take the motivations of feelings, as chaotic and nonsensical as they can be, into consideration when I have these disagreements as well. I'd also highly suggest looking into 'Non-Violent Communication' by Marshall Rosenberg. He changed the way everyone from diplomats to psychiatrists deal with communication breakdowns. Hopefully it may help with your current disagreement or future ones.
I grew up in Florida, where the shooting took place. It is definitely defined by the stereotypes of the "deep South" states, where racial violence, poverty, ignorance, and machismo still have a strong hold. They regularly hold gun shows there, where you can buy ridiculous quantities and kinds of firearms. In fact, I knew a guy from Colombia that would go to these shows buy, disassemble, and send weapons back to fuel the turf wars between the guerilla FARC and government paramilitary. I definitely agree that the U.S. has unique challenges when it comes to gun violence. Their heavy economic investment in weaponry worries and saddens me constantly. I hate being part of such violence. Even in an indirect way.
Thanks for the thoughtful discourse, and for hearing (reading?) me out through my take on it.
RE: Boys, Men and 'Toxicity'(?)