This morning, it was the best of intent starting out. Quarter to five and the twilight was fading. This is my favorite stretch of the year - long hot summer days giving way to Fall. The air was breathless and by the time I got half a cup of coffee down, laced up one shoe and was slipping on the other, my infant woke. So finishing her feeding meant the run was cut short.
Truth be told, it was one of those painful mornings I wished I'd had every excuse not to run. But I always con myself out of skipping, knowing that without at least putting forth the effort to run, the day would feel entirely wasted. My children need heir mom to go. My husband is happier when I am able to just go. And to be whole, I need to have some Jesus moments up in he mountains alone. That looks like this:
I am blessed. That is where I go. Alone. Some mornings. Other mornings it is to the garage where we stash a treadmill (last resort). Others, the freeway and some days my kids just get strapped in and we all run up the big two mile hill to the coffee shop, enjoy a cup and a cocoa and split to be home for breakfast.
I need to be alone. I am a busy mother, and try to take care of it all. Just don't come to my house unannounced unless you fancy witnessing the horror of one organized "D" in a sea of "S" and "C". I have to let it go. But to stay true to who I was created to be, I have to sneak off and be alone as often as I can daily.
There is fine solace in loneliness when it is appropriate. I can never don a running buddy, because that compromises my only chance to be an honest introvert and recharge the batteries within. I can some days find anything but pure silence totally unacceptable. And to be alone is to think. Go back two days to day four! I run to think. But to think I often need to meet the need of 'alone'.
When I am alone, there is a special place that ends up providing the meat and potatoes for life. It is where the air is empty and my body is not tensed with necessary things, unnecessary thinks, chores, lists, demands, responsibilities. It is free. I have to be alone to remember that I am free. To be on foot with no vices and no devices is to be alone. Nearly naked as the world would have it, unattached and untarnished by life. It is so simple. But the only way to get there is alone.
I know I am never truly alone. Being in tune with the spiritual world has taught me this. But physically being alone - yeah, it is the sweet spot.
Being alone, wandering, makes me crave the chaos and conundrum of family life in suburbia. Makes me long for the tiny house we fill with special moments and poopy diapers. All it takes is a few minutes each day in the quiet of the morning or a few hours at the end of each week to make me realize that being alone sanctifies my need to parent and love and give and keep doing the things that busy moms do.
I love that time alone. It makes me certain to keep running back to the people I love and cherish most. It has nothing to do with things. Alone - keeps me running, not regretting one single step.