Healthy boundaries are essential to good relationships. It may seem counter to the idea of forming healthy connections in our lives, to have boundaries, but knowing where and how our own emotional life is mixed with others is important. Maybe the term boundary is too strong. The idea is not to put up a wall so that others are not allowed in and we’re not allowed out, but to find a way to share ourselves without compromising our own values and needs.
Maybe it works better to call them edges or horizons?
If we have a healthy sense of our own self worth and see ourselves as equally valuable to others, we offer this value to the people in our lives by preserving this self worth in our relationships. By not compromising our own value and integrity, we make it okay for others to do the same in their interactions with us. When we are unable to value ourselves in a relationship we foster things like co-dependency and people pleasing. In the act of compromising ourselves, we come to expect that others will do the same and the cycle begins.
It is similar to the idea of enjoying the journey and not focusing on the reward. If we have to pay the price of losing our self in order to gain the affections of another, the end result is almost never worth the price we pay. In turn, we may find ourselves resenting the other person for our own choice to compromise who we are even though they never asked us to do this in the first place!
This is certainly not an easy thing to do, especially in our closest relationships and there are no easy to follow guidelines. The effort we put in is often worth it and if we continue to practice we find it becomes easier to do over time. Eventually we begin to set these healthy boundaries at the beginning of our relationships and can avoid conflict in the future.
How have you found ways to find a balance between your needs and the needs of a friend or partner? I'm really interested in hearing how people manage this in their own lives. I've spent a lot of time in self reflection trying to find my own balance and it has been a difficult process. I'd love to hear what you think about this.
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