LIVING BY IDEAS
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Part 10
Birthday Intermission
Part 11
Part 12
Part 13
Part 14
Part 15
Part 16
It’s easy to judge oneself when living by ideas. I had accumulated a bazillion of them, and often felt bad when I didn’t live up to those standards I set for myself. Of course a lot of the standards I set were based on what I was taught, what others did, how they felt, and what I “should” do or how I “should” be.
Though I had been questioning the norm for years, I was still heavily programmed in my beliefs of good and bad, right and wrong. I hadn’t realized how confining it was to live that way, often looking on the outside of myself for approval, and ways to make sure others felt good, even more than myself.
Quinn pushed a lot of my buttons. He didn’t do it by way of confrontation, but just by simply being himself. He inspired me! The potential for greater freedom from all these ideas was being exemplified to me intimately under my own roof, so I engaged the opportunity to experiment, as uncomfortable as it was at times. Quinn kept loving me though I had a lot of things holding me back, and he kept showing me by example how to become an even more empowered woman with greater connection with myself.
The pair of handmade beer steins Quinn crafted for each of us
in honor of our experiences at Rahr Brewery, Ft. Worth, Texas
One particular experience comes to mind when
I was challenged with ideas of social appropriateness:
Quinn was never one to hide his affection, and he never felt uncomfortable about it but was just present with me in the moment. We were just as touchy in public as we were at home and I had no real desire to pull myself away or separate myself from him. Though I must say that on the inside my habit of being sure to make others feel comfortable was challenging me greatly.
After a couple of years of playing at home alone, we began volunteering at a brewery in Ft. Worth. It was a family owned business and had only a few employees. The rest of us volunteers showed up on Saturdays to bottle, label and package their magnificent brew. We would often be around the same volunteers, though sometimes working on different parts of the line.
One of the perks of being volunteers was that we were paid in cases of beer. An additional perk appeared when the bottling or labeling machine would mess up. Being the good volunteers that we were, we rescued the beer from it’s dumpster demise and drank it!
"End of Winter Warmer" cask Quinn designed into his stein.
One afternoon while volunteering the bottling machine broke down so we had a break of an hour or two. Quinn and I, making the best use of our outing for the day, ran some errands and returned.
Upon our return, we found that on top of our morning drinking to save the beer mission, the other volunteers had continued drinking. The beer apparently loosened their tongues. One quite tipsy volunteer confided in me that Quinn and I were THE topic of conversation the entire time we were away.
She described how uncomfortable they were with our display of affection, curious to know what was up with us and our relationship, then pointed to another woman volunteer and said--”She says you two should get a room!”
Even the curves of our steins fit together with such perfection!
“Oh she does, does she!” I responded. My immediate feeling was of some embarrassment. People were paying attention and I thought we were making them uncomfortable, which didn’t set well with my ideas of myself.
Though we had been at the brewery with this woman who wished for us a hotel room for weeks, maybe even months, she had never once said a thing to me, not even good morning when I addressed her. She would never look at me or Quinn in the eye, and seemed to intentionally keep her distance. I could tell she was scared of interacting on any level. Right then and there, because of this one little scenario, I made a decision which shifted my perspective on many levels and activated a change within.
Why in the world would I give this woman’s opinion about me/us any credence at all? She (at the time) was nothing to either of us. She had no involvement in our well-being, she wasn’t our family or friend or really even an acquaintance. She wasn’t even willing to speak to our faces, only passing judgment behind our backs. So...why would I even consider adjusting my behavior to suit her insecurities? It was obvious that the reason she was uncomfortable with our affection was because she herself had intimacy issues. Changing our behavior would have only catered to her weaknesses, and diminish our own experience of the beautiful love we shared.
I chose from then on to be even more open to receive all the love that Quinn showered upon me. No way in hell was I going to stifle my expression, or tell him not to touch me because that stranger over there was uncomfortable!
Though this woman at the time was nothing to me, I came to the awareness that she was “The Messenger” - the catalyst for helping me overcome some serious issues about feeling embarrassed, and pleasing others. I obviously needed to have someone mirror to me the judgment I had on myself for being so open in public. And I obviously benefited greatly by not holding myself back from love. I wasn’t angry with her or feeling bad about expressing myself with Quinn. I silently thanked her and Quinn for providing me the opportunity to open to receive, to be myself, to stay present in the moment, to release some fear within as well as my own judgment of others and myself.
Finding gratitude for “The Messenger” has served me GREATLY
on my journey toward unconditional love.
My continued manta: “Don’t shoot the Messenger!”.
Quinn embellished this darling faerie into my stein.
I had questioned if it was really ok to be myself at the discomfort and expense of others, until Quinn helped me remember that we don’t really "make" others feel a certain way, as they are the ones with the feelings based on their own histories and view of the world, and ultimately we are each responsible for our own happiness. Being sensitive and caring was different than altering myself so others would like me or be comfortable around me. My love for others was really about loving myself, and giving others the opportunity to know the real me. How could I love myself or have others love me, if I wasn’t even being real?
All in all what it really came down to was looking deep into the core of myself, not the superficial situation that appeared. What showed up in my reality was because of what was going on inside of me, not the other way around.
Go with me on the journey toward Unconditional Love!
Stay Tuned for Part 18
