TOOOO AFRAID TO KNOW!
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49 Part 50 Intermission No. 4 Part 51 Part 52 Part 53 Part 54 Part 55 Part 56 Part 57
Quinn was on the road for weeks. Our communication became less and less as he immersed himself more and more in his own vortex. Though I knew our love was strong, it was definitely taking on another incarnation. I of course had solid reasoning to justifying that Quinn was not too far away from me---including that he was still driving my truck and was on my cell phone plan!! I was grasping at straws for whatever I could find as evidence that he had not found someone else.
Quinn was gone for my birthday in November. Though I didn’t generally make a big deal of my birthday, I did take note that Quinn missed it, just as my was-band had done when our marriage was failing. I was also reminded of the beautiful birthday he had planned for me camping in Gila, NM our first year together, which I internalized to sadden me even more.
Quinn and I had never talked on the phone very much. Sitting together in silence was way more powerful than words. Our conversations were fewer than ever, and our verbal communication transmitted very little tangible information. He did say he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with me, and asked if I would ride with his parents to Colorado for a family gathering at his sister’s house. I of course agreed...I wasn’t going to miss a moment to be with him.
We met up in Colorado, a reunion of soulful glory. He was extremely affectionate with me, we were snuggled up together in most of our waking moments. We created food together for our family Thanksgiving feast, and took a couple of outings on our own.
Sitting in my truck we talked a bit about his journey. Interwoven in our conversations were some threads of hurtful probing. He didn’t come right out and tell me about the people he connected with, and I was way too scared to ask. He did tell me that the Garden of Eden could take on new layers of possibility. He asked how I would feel about it morphing--such as if I would ever consider him inviting someone else to live with us...a woman perhaps.
NO-NO-NO-NO!!!!!-----AND HELL NO!!! That was NOT going to happen….NO FUCKING WAY!
He told me not to worry about it as it was only a hypothetical question anyway. I didn’t dare ask him to go into detail, to ask what had spurred his question or to see why such an inspiration would strike him. I didn’t want to go there. I wasn’t going to go there. A sharp, fine tipped, red hot poker had just stabbed my heart. I immediately felt a wall go up to cauterize this wound from rawly gaping open. There was no way I was going to agree to having another woman after Quinn in my home. Women were almost always after Quinn--I didn’t need to have any of them under my own roof.
Not surprised by my response, Quinn didn’t press the subject. We continued the rest of the week in each others arms, as I looked for and tried to squash any other signs that he had already met someone he was interested in. I did my best to ignore my concerns as I didn’t want to ruin this precious time together with worry and pain. I wouldn’t let my imagination run wild as I kept justifying his love for me in every way possible. I knew that he loved me, and I knew that our love was deep. We shared a love of a lifetime--but what did that even mean? What was he doing? By his own admittance he had never experienced anything like our relationship before. Why would he mess up something so very precious?
We drove home back to the Garden of Eden together and basked in true bliss of being together. If he had met someone, his love was even more vast than I had ever considered, because the love he was showering me with was like stepping back into my own blessed dream. If he had found someone else to love, I was sure he would not be with me so present and so focused. Maybe it was a hypothetical question after all and I was worrying myself over nothing!
My mind had a way of creating ideas to justify and validate whatever story I wanted to be true. I could always find ways to steer myself away from my own intuition, to protect myself from the harshness of reality. While keeping my head in the sand I could pretend that things were still in my favor. Delusions, though unhealthful and long-term extremely detrimental, were easier to accept than the reality that was unfolding in front of me. I had a lot of nervous energy that I didn’t know how to manage, so I journaled, danced, jumped on the tramp, and made art, which in reality became my saving grace--the only way I was able to get the intense energy out of my body.
Thank you for reading my blog and for going on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!
Stay Tuned for Part 59
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