Let's talk about the crush that got away...
So we had been in the same school for ages, I even got lashed because of her once. Sigh. But for some funny reason, I didn't really notice how great she was. I lacked the necessary eyes to see such glory.
Youth group activities brought us together and it was all fun and games till she told me to hold her hand as I escorted her somewhere. The moment I touched her hand, a flame lit up in my eyes and in an internal organ that primarily pumps blood. So we started talking more and hanging out more, both due to mutual activities and interest in our conversations. At the time, I was going through a very rough patch at home, so she was my welcome escape from reality, my quantum of solace. Sort of like a drug, I just couldn't get enough. She was so mature at that age, it was baffling and mesmerizing in equal measure. I could hardly contain my excitement when I was around her or even when texting her. It was just pure, unadulterated joy. And all I could do was just smile and wave, like a penguin of Madagascar. Haha man was about that shy life.
Along the line she helped me drop the shy attitude...at least with regards to her...so we texted a lot more, non stop, all day everyday. It was quite apparent it was mutual and it both excited and shocked me. I would often wonder 'why me? '. She could have liked any other guy, but it was I. I'm pretty sure everyone knew or had a clue about us, and I surprisingly would not shy away from questions about us. But obviously there was nothing officially going on, but we knew. And they knew. So then, we grew.
Things were going so smoothly, then her mature side came to the fore. She obviously wanted us to give ourselves time to grow, know ourselves and establish separate identities and ambitions before we made any commitments. This was all good...if you were not explaining it to a younger me. I was impulsive, naive and quite frankly, a very explosive character in terms of surprises. I could both excite and annoy with my volatile actions. I was a handful. You can imagine I didn't know how to handle the latest development of something that I felt was perfect as it was. I was unperturbed to say the least. We continued texting and all, but I could feel the chasm widening. But as usual, I was too gung-ho to worry. Young, wild and free. Life as always moved on, with many chapters unfolding, further damning my quest. All of which I was oblivious to. Somewhere in Senior High, I decided to ask her out. 😂😂😂😂😂 oh my. It was shambolic to say the least. Let me put this nicely, she said she didn't like me like that. That's heavily edited mind you. She however maintained that she knew I really liked her and she hoped I'd get over it soon.
That changed me. It made me grow. I realized why she said no, I realized what I had to do, to be different, to be attractive to her, to be the most eligible, to be the one. I got about making myself a catch, largely succeeding. Then it hit me, I shouldn't be doing this for her, I should be doing this for myself. So it became more personal and important. It got to a point where I wasn't bothered by the whole thing. I took a laid back approach to it, but I was always nice to her. After all, 'what's dead, may never die'. If she was the one, nature would find a way. We're both very able adults now and talk quite often actually. We both understand why things played out the way they did. And obviously I'm better for it. She's still quite amazing though, if you were wondering. Many people would easily guess who this crush is. I can say a lot about why it didn't pan out as planned, but does it even matter anymore?
PS: I do hope that, in some years to come, when she wakes up next to a fat rich man snoring beside her in bed, she'd wonder, 'what would life with Crispin have been like? Where would it have taken us? And why didn't I give it a chance? ' Alas, there will be no answers then. Here's to hoping it doesn't come to that...