We always have problems. From what to wear or do you have enough money for coffee this morning to You have cancer or your wife has just told you she is done with the marriage and wants you to move out. Problems come in all shapes and sizes, from normal problems, that are everyday occurrences that don't bother you at all. Then we have those problems that seem to be huge and dreadful looming over you like the sword of Damocles and the horse hair is frying. Which one is worse? Why does one give you late nights and ulcers, while the other one is just a passing thought?
What if they really weren't that much different? What if the choice in coffee or want you are going to wear had just as much impact as the multimillion-dollar deal you have been putting together? What if that Multi-million dollar deal was no more as important as your choice in coffee? Now that would seem a bit preposterous because there are choices that have a lot of ramifications. Yet we often look at all problems as if they are huge deals. and that is because our minds want them to be big deals. Remember our brains are don't get killed devices. So with that, they easily go into panic mode because of a choice. Not that the one choice is actually a matter of life and death but because you are stuck on whether your logo needs to be orange or blue.
So how do you choose what to focus on and what to let slide? Why does any problem need to slide? neither one is actually more important or less important to your brain. It has just had habits and routines set up for the perceived less important choices. If you had never had a coffee before you would have. a bit of panic as you tried to decide against an expresso or an Americana. Do you add cream and sugar? Your mind will go into a tailspin and invite confusion and overwhelm onboard to make it seem more important.
So how do you know if you are fixing a problem or are you just blowing it out of proportion? Are you faced with a choice or are you faced with the thoughts you have about a possible choice that hasn't come yet?
What is your problem?
If you are wanting to fix a problem you first need to analyze what the actual problem is. Let's look at the scenario of your wife has stated that she wants a divorce. What is your problem? Listen to what your mind is stating. The problem isn't so much that your wife is wanting you to leave but that that is the circumstance. The problem is all the thoughts you have ricocheting around your head.
- Where am I going to live?
- How much money is she going to want me to pay?
- How am I going to pay for all this and have a home to live in?
- How are my kids going to react?
- How are the relatives going to respond?
- I am a failure
- What did I do to deserve this?
- I don't deserve this.
- Is she serious?
- What did I do wrong?
The questions you are asking yourself are leading you to overwhelm and confusion. The problem is actually not even being addressed. The longer you avoid looking at the problem the longer you will stay in your confused and victim state of being.
So write down all the problems your mind comes up with. You don't have to answer them right away but get them out of your mind so that they aren't rattling around in your head anymore. Now to fix your problems the first point is to get out of the emotional turmoil you are in. You being a man have the ability to control your emotions. If you are overly emotional your reptilian brain has the controls and the thinking part of your brain needs to control the thought process.
You see your amygdala is reactive. It sees something that looks like a snake and says panic! snake! when in reality it is a green water hose. So take a few deep breaths and calm yourself down. Do some thought work on the emotions you are thinking up and process those emotions. This will calm you down the fastest. Now when you are calmed down you can start looking at what is a problem and what is nothing more than a thought.
The Problem can be found by answering the questions your mind asks.
Where are you going to live? - Dont know Will figure it out.
How much money will she want me to pay? - That is out of your power to worry about so talk to a lawyer
How am I going to pay for this and still keep a roof over my head? - Dont know You will figure it out.
Each of the questions is just small problems that need to be answered. The answers can be changed yet don't let yourself fall into that indulgent emotion of overwhelm or confusion. That is because both will keep you in a state of inaction. Lack of action means that you are not rising to the challenge.
When you have the chance. Answer those questions. That chance is a point in time that you make. You have to be intentional with all your time. Wondering around thinking you will do something later is just wasting your time.
Is that problem a real problem?
Know that all your problems are just thoughts. This is the huge part. Yeah, that problem of where to live may seem like it is real enough. However, you don't have control of if you get to stay in the house or not. You can argue your case, but in the end, you may have the judge say you are to move out or that you and your wife are to sell the house and split the proceeds. Many things in a divorce are out of your hands and you quickly realize that you can only control 2 things. What you think and how you act.
So, you need to address, is the problem real. Is the thought you had a real problem or just an issue your mind brought up? Yeah file it away to cross that bridge when you get to it but don't obsess over something you have no power over.
For example, Where are you going to live? Well, you don't have an answer as of yet so it may not be an actual problem. You may not have to move. She may move out. If that happens you were worrying about living arrangements for nothing. You wasted a lot of energy for nothing. The reason that your thoughts are the root of the problem is that what you think of as a problem may not be seen as the problem by your friends or other people. So they are thoughts, not problems.
You see you have to be intentional with your thoughts on the circumstances you are facing. When we are unintentionally our minds will turn to avoid the real problems and that leads to buffering so that we don't have to look at the true problems in our life. Buffering may be in the realm of porn, sex with other women, over eating., over drinking, drug usage. and more.
This unintentionality is where our sense of frustration will build.
So Start with being intentional with your thoughts on what you see as the problem. Ask yourself a series of questions.
- How do you see the problem?
- How do you want to see the problem?
- Have I been avoiding taking responsibility for this problem?
- Is this something I can actually fix?
Why is it a problem?
Now this is a great question to ask yourself. If your thoughts aren't actual problems, then what are problems? Problems are actually choices you have. They are the choices you are currently faced with. So is that problem a thought or is it actually a choice you have to address?
Many times that problem is just us worrying about something that isn't ever going to happen. So be honest when you examine the problem you are faced with and see if is it a problem or just a thought.
Why do you need to fix that problem?
Does this problem need fixing? if so why? Many times we want to fix something because of how we feel about that circumstance. Our soon-to-be ex-wife is angry about something. We want to try to fix the problem. Yet that isn't a problem for us. It may be a problem for your Soon to be Ex but it doesn't affect you. We often want to take on the problems of others. Yet that never really helps a person. Now they may need help with something where you can help. They may need a bunch of fence posts moved to the back of the yard. That is something you can do. That is a problem that you can help with because that is an actual problem. While Your wife being upset because you didn't respond to a question the way she wanted you to is something you can't fix. You can offer her thoughts but it is ultimately up to her to fix that perceived problem.
So, you don't need to try to fix it. That is because it isn't a problem. You are wanting to rush in because of how her being upset creates your thoughts and how those thoughts create the emotions of unease in your body. You don't need to fix your wife. You can be there with her and let her talk it out but stop trying to fix it. Remember it's not about the nail.
What is the solution to the problem?
Many times our perceived problems are just we need to step back and process the emotions we are feeling. Those emotions are what are keeping us up at night. We are resisting feeling the emotions and so they crop up over and over again till we allow them to be felt and pass through our life.
The real problems which are the actual choices we have are also just as easy to make you just have to choose. Yeah, it can be scary to decide one thing or the other however the results are what we needed in the first place.
Posted from my blog with Exxp : https://www.relaxedmale.com/are-you-fixing-the-problem-or-just-making-your-life-hard/