Hi,
I am in my middle thirties and live with someone. The relationship is basically OK, there are ups and downs and sometimes I am certain that I love him but at other times I feel it is just a habit.
I am hesitating about marrying him. My family and others expect me to marry him and indirectly press me to go in that direction. Although I am not sure about the whole thing I cooperate with this whole project. If I told my partner about my doubts he would get hurt, so I keep my thoughts to myself. But deep down I am not sure I should get married again if I have doubts.
One thing I have realized over the years was that one has to compromise. One can’t always fulfill one’s dreams and there is nothing to be done about it. Although my partner is not the Prince Charming I have dreamt of, he is indeed a good man. He works, provides for us and has good qualities. For now, I compensate myself by watching naked men in porn websites.
I am so confused, what shall I do?
Iris
Creditgrenomg
Iris,
As always, everything begins with the self; with you. Your reality, the life that you live and the events that you draw to yourself accurately reflect the inner images that you hold.
Therefore, if you believe that you need to compromise about your love life that is exactly what you will get – a spouse who has good qualities but whom you do not really love with all your heart, who does not physically attract you as you want and deserve. Facing such a situation you rationalize to yourself that people need to compromise in life. Consequently, wider reality reflects that too and provides a family that expects you to get married, no matter what. Baffled by everything that happens, and disconnected from your inner self as you are, you feel terribly confused to a degree that you are not allowing yourself to follow your own feelings and impulses.
What do you expect to happen? That some God from above is going to descend towards you and say in a thunderous voice: “ you should not marry that guy, Iris”? !. Things like that would never happen because life works differently.
You must reach a decision by yourself after you have examined your beliefs and have chosen only those that serve you. The truths remain the same – you can have what you desire in life; you have the power to create what you want; compromise is not necessary and only takes you farther away from yourself. If you choose to keep those beliefs stick to them firmly and closely examine your life in their light. Do you really love your partner as you want to love someone? Are you really attracted to him the way you deserve to be attracted to a man? Is your partner a man with whom you can share your whole life? Are you living with your spouse only because you want to or partly because you are afraid to be alone?!
You were wise to realize that our partners are not there to fill gaps that we have. If we feel that we are not attractive enough then even the most beautiful/attractive person in the whole world would not change that feeling. For a short while we would indeed feel better about ourselves but soon enough that dark hole will appear again. Therefore, you need to marry for the right reasons and those are found when you make it clear to yourself what you expect to experience in your relationship!
The first practical step, after you have examined your beliefs and made your choices, would be to act with honesty and share your thoughts and feelings with him. YES! Be selfish throughout the process because only when you are happy will the others also be happy. If you marry someone now only to satisfy your family, you will be sad, and in time they will be even sadder, for they will feel how miserable you are.
It’s time to be brave; first and foremost with yourself and then with the rest of the world.
Good luck!
