I want to talk about Mental Health and The triggers.
Growing up I would never have guessed what had happened to me would be so hard to live with as when I was young I pushed it to one side and ignored it. I was always busy either at work or partying with my friends, I was hardly ever home and that's how I preferred it. Sadly when you get older usually you start to calm down and settle down.
A little back story
I lived in a council house on a council estate. There was my birth parents, he was a coal miner whilst she cleaned the posh houses in the Village. I will never call them my parents. He was an angry man, he dealt with all his problems with anger and usually at his 3 youngest. They had planned the 2 oldest but then him coming home drunk with Newcastle Brown Ale and her not being allowed to say No, 3 Newcastle Brown Ale babies followed. 3 He didn't want or could afford.
We never had any money, we never went anywhere, or had new things until I worked and could afford to buy things for myself. 5 kids were far too many especially for them. He had his ways of dealing with us, having his belts hung on the wall next to him with the writing in Black ink Rikki Tikki Tavey 1 and 2 after a cartoon monkoose. If you did anything and I mean anything to upset him the belt was off the hook so quickly, you couldn't run away. Out of the 5 of us I admit I was the gobby one, I'm the one who stood up to him so think that's why I came off the worst. He used the buckle end on me, or if he had just finished work he would be wearing his steel capped pit boots, he would kick you and carry on kicking until he felt better. When he wasn't beating me he would be mentally abusing me by putting me down, didn't matter what I did he never said well done. I was good at Gymnastics he would watch me then say those girls on the TV are better or he would say I was useless, I wouldn't achieve anything. He constantly put me down always comparing me to others. I hate my parents and still do even though I am 57 I still have triggers that take me back there.
I was OK until I had children myself, then the thoughts and his voice would enter my head telling me how useless I am, how I always failed at everything and would always be a failure even though I pushed myself with everything I did. He didn't even say well done when I became a manager of a large health shop. His words followed me everywhere.
I left home to move in with my partner, we bought a house, I didn't want to live in a council house, not that there was anything wrong with living in a Council house I wanted to better myself at least in my head. I thought I was a strong person, once I had left home I didn't think anyone can hurt me now until I learned a few of my triggers.
I was watching Eastenders, its a soap on TV. A man called Billy Mitchell was talking about his abusive childhood meantioning his beatings with his father's belt and the buckle. I froze, it hit me hard, I wanted to cry and run but sat frozen to the spot. My husband noticed the change in me. That was when he first heard of the abuse.
A trigger can be anything, a word, sound or smell. That trigger will take you back to the abuse as for me back to being a scared 14 year old. I'm not as bad as I was, I've had panic attacks and sickness due to triggers, with counselling I have learned to deal with them... most of the time. That's how I felt with being downvoted, I felt a failure. I took it as They didn't like my post, that I was no good, that's why I asked for a message explaining. Once they explained to me that it was to do with something else, I was able to breath again.
Mental health doesn't just go away when the abuse stops, It can get easier when you learn coping strategies. Talking to a counselor and learning that this has nothing to do with you its the abusers fault you can get stronger. Its took me quite a few years how to deal with my triggers and thankfully I don't react as bad, I still have depression all to do with the abuse but now knowing I am a survivor, I am stronger than my abuser, I raised my 2 girls without using abuse I know he can't hurt me anymore, I actually think he is more scared of me now and what I could do. He can live with that, I'm not going to do antything to waste my time on him.
Thank you for visiting 💟💟
