As a young man/boy with severe ADHD and Anxiety as well as depression (man, that’s alotta issues) I find myself looking up at the ceiling late at night and thinking about my life thus far.
I ask myself a bunch of questions which accomplishes nothing but adding to my overall sadness and anger at myself and the world around me.
I find myself questioning my decisions asking What if? What would’ve happened if?
Last night I was questioning my decision to become a wrestler and not follow the assured successful route of University to Job
I remembered former friends telling me that I’ll be a failure and a bum. They often spoke of their degree as a certainty of their futures. Their degree is their badge of honour.
I absolutely dread failure it’s my biggest fear after spiders (:
At night staring up at the ceiling cements in my head that I am indeed a failure that my former friends were right. I am a bum, I am indeed a failure of life. It’s getting more and more obvious that I am now an insomniac, without sleeping pills I get around one or two hours of sleep and I awake with the horror of realizing I’m still that failure that went to sleep.
I wake up normally consumed with negative thoughts that plague my mind. Those thoughts will normally continue until I step into a gym or a wrestling ring. I don’t know what it is but the feeling of kicking somebody in the face gets my blood flowing and puts a smile on my face that nothing or none can ever replicate.
I’m an over thinker. I’ll take something small and make it into something big.
“I think you need to improve your fitness”
I’ll take that as “I’m fat and worthless” and my mind will expand and my expansive imagination will create scenarios about me failing due to me being fat.
It makes no sense and I’m not even considered fat. My imagination fuels my creativity and is an excellent asset that presents me awesomeness. But it also fuels my overthinking dark thoughts that paralyze me on a regular basis. It’s a scary thought that without my imagination I might be happy right now.
But if I was happy right now would I be writing this post?
Would I be sitting on this chair that’s awful for my already failing posture?
Here I am sat here at 3am literally overthinking while writing this very article. Man. It makes you think. What if?
I’m about to head off to bed. My mind is shutting down and sleep is approaching I’m pretty much making sure sleep taps me out so I can’t even attempt to think about anything before I go to sleep.
This post is very much ME ME ME! and I’ve barely covered the topic. Rereading this makes me realise that my overthinking has literally made it impossible for me to objectively put together the constructive informative post I wanted this to be. So I guess this post is purely for entertainment only and if that brings you something…then I guess I’m doing my job right.
Deuces.