I bite my nails, my mind is like a monkey, it is constantly jumping from one subject to another without finishing the contemplation of the first one. My actions are based on my fixed action patterns, but rarely on a wise contemplation. Sometimes I get into a scrape, or create a stupid situation, because I let myself gobble up by a huge feeling of insecurity, self-pity and fear of not being good or right, which leads to an attack against my opponent(?) or, worse, creation of a lie that would eventually make me look more interesting or unfortunate, and help me to gain a high ground in the “discussion” (?I know!)
Nowadays I can more or less recognize when I've done such thing, which is, probably and hopefully, the first step. The next step I would like to make, is to prevent me from doing it, so that I don't need to apologize again and risk losing a friend or creating an embarrassing situation in an unknown environment. I was told meditation could help me, but last week I did such a thing that I was gently told to see a psychologist (surprisingly much drunk I started to panic and became slightly paranoid during a party at a place I didn’t know, with people I didn’t know, but none of us was aware of any special terrifying trigger that would cause it…) Well ok, I got some work here!
First of all, I have to say I have some really nice people around me and those I speak with more intimately, those I know could help me and not condemn me,try to make me understand something what could be interpreted like: “Calm down, breath, don't take it too seriously, but take care of yourself. Yes, it might be good for you to see a psychologist, but you didn't kill anyone, and, believe it or not, lot of people have similar problems, but don't do anything about it and don't even dare to talk about it, because they fear their psychological imbalance can be considered as a shame or a scandal. In fact, as we brush our teeth, we wash our clothes, we should also care for our mental hygiene. It is the life, not a failure!”
You have many ways how to meditate. People often think it is several hours lasting attempt to an enlightenment, or something like that. Well, I'm a beginner, I have to take it easy, not to become too enthusiastic and then to be upset it doesn't work, but I should start, somehow, find my way, but not to leave it for tomorrow, because… you know how it is with tomorrows… :-)
Ok, this is the kind of a perfect moment. Everything is calm around me,but I know that later this day I will probably have to deal with some difficulties, and I REALLY don't want to fuck up, because it is my little sister, whom I love much and who has some troubles, and I don't want to overcomplicate it, as it is my special skill to do. I know, oh God I know that through one’s spine wonderful spiral of energies flows, so I try to sit with my spine straight and breath. That definitely doesn't work, I don't like to sit straight, my breath shortens and when I try to breath deeper it makes me feel dizzy. I already know that what I really like is to start moving, dancing, stretch my body, but the way it wants to be stretched, not the exact yoga routine movement. But now I'm in the hospital room, my little sister is sleeping next to me, another little girl next her, nurses watching, no place for dancing. THE MONKEY is here, it is always here, but it is just when I calm down I can really hear it. I don't know how about your Monkey but mine likes to repeat some situations from the past days and it's favorite are my most difficult moments I had with my mother, those I "didn't manage", and to remind me of my hate of her behaviour towards me and my little sisters. It replays the moments that happened but changes the scenario a bit, usually for my or my sisters good and her failure. I forget to breath properly, start to bite my nails and get stuck in imaginations. And the feeling of the self-pity and injustice is growing...
STOP. I stopped imagining of what would be if…, there is no “if”. There is what is. But I didn't just think that, I said it. I can't speak aloud because of the circumstances(sleeping kids in hospital), but I whispered. And I realized it's good. I made kind of confession, without any listener, but, saying it aloud helped me to hear and understand better. Suddenly, knowing that no one is listening to me so there is no one to be impressed, no one who could be sorry for me or no one I’d need to satisfy with my words, helped me to speak normally, without pretending or lying to myself. I mean, I know I don't need to do none of these things, I know I can/must/should be myself, but somehow something went wrong during my development and I started to not always be myself... And for some reason I developed an organized system of self lying, overthinking and worrying.
Watching the space in front me, I had an impression of being heard and seen by...some call It God, I don't call it with name, but trust me - you definitely are heard when you quieten the Monkey and make speak yourself. And the One listening to you is You and You are It. And none of you is interested in made-up constructs and both of you, suddenly, like to reject hypothesis.
Based on that, I “informed” myself that most of my nowadays shit I make them myself, that actually most of the time I'm not that thirsty to drink another wine, to eat more food, more often than expected I don't want to stay in a place where I actually am, want to lay down, not to cook, don't really need to smoke that cigarette but... more often than expected I blame people around me for that I decided not to be myself! And I smiled and didn't feel bad about it, not even much sorry, just... Well, I finally informed myself, isn't that enough?! :-)
After my self-confess I just looked at my sleeping sister and made a pray (I'm just wondering what is the difference between a pray and a wish...?) Again whispering, not just in my head, because really, when you hear your words you choose them better and they are more realistic, less dramatic and overall better heard.. :-)
I wished for my fifteen years old sister to have the chance to develope her consciousness in an environment that will help her to feel comfortable and relaxed in her body and mind and have enough of power to say: “No, thanks.” when they will gently suggest her to put on some of the masks that people wear.
I started to write this text and later I realized my Monkey wasn't there for quite a while.
Have an issue with a Monkey? Try to stop for a while, confess to yourself and say a pray.
