I wrote this piece today because I was asked, so I hope that it is up to the standards of the community I hold so dear. <3
Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms however, it is best presented as non-verbal aggression or a passive pattern or resistance to demands on the individual from external forces.
Passive aggressive behaviour can manifest in many different ways, but a common one would be adjusting your behaviour slightly in order to alter another in some way. For example, hiding your partner's keys or wallet before they go out to the pub to gamble, or drive a vehicle while inebriated. Both are, if you look deep into it, not appropriate actions.
Passive aggression can be subtle, hidden behind layers and obfuscation. Or overt, outrageous and intimidatingly blatant.
An individual expressing this behaviour will often not show they are upset or annoyed and may appear on the surface to be in agreement, polite and even friendly. However, on a deeper level they are being manipulative and selfish.
Passive aggression can be a destructive form of behaviour that can be seen as a form of trust abuse between people.
I suppose it happens when negative emotions, lack of understandings, and other straws build up and are then held onto in a need for either acceptance by another, dependence on others or to avoid even further arguments or conflict. However there is always a balance between being active, and passive, and in no circumstances should aggression or violence be necessary, but often it is.
Passive aggression is when the behaviour is more persistent and repetitious. Where there are ongoing established patterns of negative attitudes and passive resistance in personal relationships or work situations, often these worsen over time.
Some examples of passive aggression might be:
Non-Communication or avoidance when there is obviously something to present. This only leads to the following.
Avoiding/Ignoring when you get angry because you feel you cannot speak calmly or express yourself properly due to the anger. Processing things over bottling them up every time. Bottling leads to explosions of anger. Which is not so passive and definitely not fun for anyone.
Evading problems and issues, burying an angry head in the sand, remember that lack of understanding can cause agitation, paying attention would be better?
Procrastinating intentionally putting off important tasks for less important ones. - This is a huge trigger for the person who is being antagonized by the passive-aggressive individual, in my opinion. I feel that addressing things as quickly as possible but in a manner that both parties are acceptable to performing is the best choice here. Make a list and check it twice, just make sure you are not the only eyes on it. Forget about being naughty or nice, just be effective and efficient and empowering.
Obstructing deliberately stalling or preventing an event or process of change. In order to make lighter work for people managing and the ones within the systems we/they need to adjust as the requirements of the individuals that make it up to change. It's not something that comes from one or many, it comes from opening up and encouraging polite respectful discourse. Or getting angry and knocking down a wall once in a while. We should be able to take away out responses when required and our personal feelings in the name of progress, because standing around arguing incessantly is not productive. Even if everyone gets heard and feels good about that.
Passive aggressives tend to avoid situations where one party will be seen as better at something. This has been something I have struggled with for so long, I like to reward individuals effort when I see it as being worthy, but how do you quantify and judge the effort put in? You compare it, you ask the questions of the actors, and qualify and judge the performance. Avoidance only leads to a worsening of the situation.
Being cryptic, unclear, not fully engaging in conversations or conflicts that arise as a result of the passive-aggressive behaviour. The inverse of this can also be true, in regard to deliberately requesting clarification regarding an attitude or behaviour from the aggressor to the victim, and pushing for engagement when the victim just wishes it 'would just all go away' finally culminating in that victim ending their engagement by removing themselves from that environment, freeing up the passive aggressor to perform this act upon another. This is a further internal 'escalation' of the issue and should be combated with direct questions regarding clarification or actions, intent, and understanding towards the individual expressing it. Gathering information from the victim and other third-party bystanders regarding the situation may also be effective, but in some cases destructive. Use caution when drawing attention to passive aggressive behaviour that is being obfuscated with smoke and mirrors, this is sophisticated and indicative of an intelligent individual, or a really dense one. Not sure.
Being silent, morose, sullen and resentful in order to get attention or sympathy. In general the only way I deal with this one is to just ignore the behaviour as it is expressed. Otherwise, I tend to get frustrated at how much energy is wasted on forcing yourself to be unhappy haha. Ignoring it is less wasteful and takes away the power
Managing another's time, assigning tasks out of station or out of order, ignoring or forgetting or showing a deliberate lack of understanding for another's schedule or interactions due to not allocating the time to pay attention, or remember any of it. Or even if the passive aggressive does understand how it is bothering you, they likely enjoy the reaction, and any and all interactions with a time thief will entice and empower them. The only solution is to ignore or establish clearly defined boundaries in regards to scheduling.
This leads into another area, often there can be trust issues with passive aggressive people and guarding against becoming too intimately involved or attached will be a way for them to feel in control of the relationship be it friend, family or college. But if you cannot trust them why do you seek to control? Oh it's to avoid damage. To you. Seems selfish to me. And somewhat like a jail that you cannot see.
Passive aggressives are master excuse makers and are always coming up with reasons for not doing things. Easy solution to this, work to a schedule that they spontaneously generate.
Most passive aggressives behave in the victimization of themselves when the tables are turned. Totally unable to look at their own part in a situation and will twist anything they can to become the victim and will behave like one, even deliberately and further antagonizing to the point of explosion and will then point the finger at you as if to say, "They are the bad one!!".
Some expressions and examples of passive-aggressive behaviour.
Blaming another within situations over taking responsibility and ownership for your actions. Inability to step away emotionally or in any capacity to then take an objective view of the situation as a whole with a view of fixing it but will insist no one is listening when they have nothing to say but hate disguised as love.
Educated wrongly as in where an individual constantly pretends like they can’t help themselves. deliberately doing a poor or inattentive job at something they are likely directly responsible for.
Passive aggression can be of use to those individuals as a defense mechanism to protect themselves. It can be automatic and ingrained, originating from early childhood experiences, or it may be melded in from a lifetime of 'just not having enough time to deal with their garbage'. What they are truly excluding from their sphere of existence and attempting to protect themselves from will be different and very much unique to each person expressing the behaviour in question. However, generally, there are underlying feelings of fear, distrust, low self-esteem and inadequacy in some way.
Passive Aggression in the Workplace
In a work environment, a passive-aggressive individual may well use these methods as a form of control. The worker may withdraw, sabotage or provide poor quality work when given tasks to perform. Or in some cases may even agree and then take refuse to participate, or just 'forget' accidentally. The desired result being that they will not be asked to perform those jobs again. Employers or people in a position of power can also use passive aggression when confronted with problems, turning a cold shoulder or a blind eye towards who they deem as problematic workers, not facing facts or vilifying and rejecting when confronted with undeniable evidence, gaslighting and neglect. Sometimes even defending the aggressor when dealing with genuine cases of bullying and intimidation. This kind of behaviour can be very damaging and frustrating to individuals and team dynamics within organizations and should be addressed as soon as you are aware of it and a process or some steps should be put in place to manage should the need arise.
Consequences of Passive Aggressive Behaviour
When operating in this mode you are not giving yourself or anyone else an opportunity to listen to what you think or feel, or you to them. This lowers understanding and leaves opportunity for further offense.
Often it is difficult to ascertain what the trigger was for the passive-aggressive behaviour as it is obfuscated, this can cause much confusion in the victim. Leading once again to further hurt.
It reduces the ability for honest and open communication.
It creates an atmosphere of distrust and insecurity in all parties involved. Spilling over into other individuals if left unchecked.
During this type of conflict, it is not uncommon for both parties to have an inability to communicate due to the undermining behaviour.
It clouds the facts, leaving room for misinterpretation.
Breeds resentment and inefficientcy due to lack of understanding, walking on eggshells and so on, this can cause further escalation of the behaviour and is not ideal.
HOW TO DEAL
Being aware of how passive aggression manifests, and keep an open mind when approaching this particular situation.
Remember that communicating calmly without allocating blame or shame will ensure the situation does not escalate.
Clearly and concisely communicating how you wish to resolve and move ahead will be effective, however. Keep in mind that if you do need to take a break, and center yourself in order to find the best solution, going in at 110% on day zero might not be a great plan. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor!
Be aware of how your reactions and responses to others may be interpreted, and try to communicate on the level at all times, but keep in mind you are not responsible for how another interprets or reacts, Do not under any circumstance blame yourself for the inability of another to moderate their emotions. You are not them. They are not you.
Be open and honest as much as possible without using this as a free license to unload anything and everything you like.
If the aggressive behaviour of another affects you in a negative way, setting clear boundaries and enforcing them with love can be a good solution. Stay above it, and keep your eye on the prize, which is educating and uplifting and empowering. Just get on with it, and don't give them the attention they so desperately seek, just do you! This is the best way to deal.
I hope that this post today was not overly formal or elaborate, I had to go into detail because I felt it was important for a level of understanding to be achieved.
Please forgive me for the single-minded nature of today's post.
Personally, I dislike any form of aggression and I don't enjoy discussing it. So it was with great trepidation that I published this piece of work.
I hope, however, that you enjoyed it. Or at the very least, learned something in how to deal with this kind of behaviour.
If there was anything I missed, feel free to comment in the comment section below. I look forward to hearing from you all.
Much love, @SammoSK.
