“You fell from the sky
Crash landed in a field
Near the river Adur
Flowers spring from the ground
Lambs burst from the wombs of their mothers”
-Nick Cave on 'Jesus Alone'
There is no road map for grieving. Sure, there are supposed stages, but these are merely markers on a walkabout of one’s own mind, one which never truly ends but is started with the sudden force of an earthquake. My exploration of grief began on March 23rd, 2017 when I sent an innocent text to a friend, causing a tremor that would crumble my world.
“Hello this is Kelsey’s mom. She died tragically in a horse accident last night.”
Just as she had come into my life, so too had she left it. Taken by fate in what could only be described as a tragic and ironic accident, Kelsey was killed while in pursuit of what she loved: riding horses. The connection was clear: Kelsey herself was an unbridled horse, free to walk, run, or canter whenever she saw fit. It was one of the first things she taught me: not to tell her what to do. It was when I knew we were so alike.
“You're an African doctor harvesting tear ducts
You believe in God, but you get no special dispensation for this belief now”
Taken from the song 'Jesus Alone'
Within a few hours of first meeting Kelsey it became clear that she not only wore her heart on her sleeve, but all over her body. Her tattoos told a story, and the word “God” stood out to my skeptical eye from across the table. When I asked about the tattoo, she told me that “God Grant Me Serenity” was her way of asking for help from above in her battle against addiction. She was approaching her third (sober) birthday. Personally, I’m far from God’s biggest fan. In fact, belief in him might be a cultural dealbreaker of mine. However, the fact Kelsey wasn’t stating belief, but rather asking for strength, seemed innocent to me, a version of faith my atheistic side could handle. It was an important lesson. In the months that followed Kelsey would teach me more and more about the self, others, and mental health. She knew another addict when she saw one, and she masterfully left a trail of suggestions for someone like myself to absorb rather than reject. After all, she knew how spirits like ourselves responded to commands, free from any bridle to force our way.
“On the night we wrecked like a train
Purring cars and pouring rain
Never felt right about it, never again
Cause nothing really matters”
Taken from the song 'I Need You'
In hindsight, it’s hard not to see Kelsey as a wild horse running through the obstacles in her life, refusing to be broken along the way. She outran her demons, proving to others such a feat was possible. To myself and those lucky enough to know her she was a beacon of hope, proof longshots do win. And yet that all seems lost in the tragedy of her last ride, the odds of which are so minuscule it seems cruel for reality to have chosen that path. But none of that matters now. Nothing really matters.