Hello, friends! Fun psychology facts! WARNING: may be a trigger. #deepstuff. If you're into psychology this is interesting as heck! As I've ventured on through life and had many conversations with the human folk, here is what I've observed.
(This is dark, but there's a positive ending ❤️)
Narcissists and codependents are very good at finding each other. They will both often use different forms of the intermittent reward system, meaning: inconsistent display of affection and random withdrawal. (Successful control tactic.) Most are not even aware that they do this. A narcissist is focused on their self, and they subconsciously or consciously think everyone else should be too. They will abandon their partner if it is to their benefit, or simply because they can't figure out their emotions. A codependent is hyper focused on someone else, and will abandon their self and their own needs if their narcissist needs help. Because of this, the codependent is almost always considered "the good guy".
Most people consider the narcissist as "the bad guy", however, BOTH are doing the exact same thing - just in different ways. They both try to control the other to make sure they feel loved and demolish their deeply rooted loneliness that stemmed from early childhood.
The codependent child often learns how to get attention from their parents by buttering them up and being good, helpful, acting cute and lovable OR possibly begging and pleading to play or spend time with their parents. This is the way they know how to receive love and attention. Almost like bargaining or bribing.
The narcissist child has a different adaptation technique for the lack of attention and it's a bit more complex. They are often more independent and keep to themselves to avoid the chaos happening in their homes. They feel hurt and angry by the lack of attention so they isolate themselves but are then punished for this. An absent parent might say things like, "Why don't you spend more time with the family? I'm always at work so when I come home you better damn well be excited to see me." Even though they are punished, their withdrawal catches their parents attention and creates an emotional response within the parent. That's what the kid wants. They want their parent to feel something for them. They can see that their parent is hurt by the avoidance, and the hurt, in an odd way, looks a lot like love. This is the beginning of how they see "love". They learn that "love" is creating insatiable yearning, anger, or even intense pain in others. Because pain means that someone cares.
How could someone that's been through so much pain inflict pain onto others??
Think of it this way: if you were lying on a table, strapped down, being tortured and poked with nails and you had the option for morphine...you would take it. Growing up in a dysfunctional home, a child will feel trapped. They can't leave because they are a child. Their only survival tactic is to erase the ability to feel emotion. That is why narcissists seem "cold", even sociopathic. They're surviving.
In a world full of chaos, comfort comes from the ability to control your world and the people in it. When these children become adults, they are magnetically attracted to a certain person that will help them try to fulfill their unmet needs they suffered from as a child.
Narcissists target people who are easily manipulated because they know they will easily act out their manipulation tactics, but if they can get someone to love them through their "bad behavior", they will truly be loved. In many cases, it is a subconscious pattern. This is often a lost cause for them, because there is such a negative social stigmatism around this behavior. They will target the same type of person over and over and over again, and will be told by each partner, in each breakup, that they are a bad person who doesn't deserve love, or even that they do not understand love. This is a snowball effect, as they sink deeper into the idea that yes, they probably are a bad person. Because these seemingly "good" people say so. And they believe they will never be loved. Sociopathic tendencies can then be created because they have given up on the quest to be loved and can only find joy through control and playing people like a game. The ultimate controller cannot feel disappointment.
Codependents fall for emotionally unavailable people because they figure if they can get an unattainable person to love them, they are truly loveable. They will also look for this person over and over again, because the more someone ignores them, the more they believe they just aren't good enough, but if they can prove to someone else they are good enough, they think they will feel complete. Even if they do get rewarded by their partner, that complete feeling is temporary. Eventually they will create a problem out of thin air so that they can repeat the challenge again, and build a false sense of purpose. They try everything to be perfect for their partner but can't change the fact that their partner is simply unavailable. So, eventually they get angry. They shame their partner for being so cold. They try to change their partner. They even claim that they are helping their partner recover. They will always consider themselves as the victim, or the good guy. Usually, this is the person to end the relationship because they are fed up and have completely lost their sense of self trying to be perfect.
No one is to blame. Not even parents. Because parents learn from parents learn from parents learn from parents.
Good news! It's not easy, but both situations can be healed. How? Unconditional love and radical acceptance of the self, and of the other. (And I believe that loving the self is the same thing as loving the other, because the universe is all connected.)
My advice to the codependent: Know your worth. Love yourself. Create a life that is so full of joy and purpose that another human's unavailability won't affect you. Love them for who they are and expect nothing, because you already have everything you need from yourself. Fall for a partner that consistently treats you the way you desire to be treated, because trying to change someone who doesn't want to change is not really loving them, it's loving their potential, or an idea of them.
My advice for the narcissist: Understand that true love is a gift that is given, it is not something to take. Life is a mirror and you get what you give out. You can certainly be given something that looks like love through manipulation but it will be temporary, and it is not true love - it is obsession. Stop chasing victims and instead look for a partner that doesn't need you, because this is someone who will love you for who you are, not for what they need out of you. In order to be attracted to that type, find the love and fulfillment within yourself as well, and you won't need the extremity of someone to be addicted to you to feel enough love.
An exercise that helps for both personality types is to imagine yourself as a child. This is best done in a quiet and comfortable space, alone. Close your eyes and picture that little kid. Hug them. Play with them. Give them the love they never had. Just be with them for a while.
I've found that one of the best ways to heal though, for both, is laughter. My favorite lyric of all time is: "If love ain't just a joke, then why are we laughing?" It's so perfect. Countless elderly couples give the same marriage advice: find someone you can laugh with. Have fun.
Life isn't so serious, and love isn't so hard to receive if you let go of control. You automatically deserve it from the moment you are born. You do not and should not have to work for it. If you do have to work for it, it's not real. Unconditional Love is a gift that is given by free will.
Hopefully, friends, if you find yourself in a toxic relationship, some day you will have the courage to leave it, or the strength to work together and heal it.
Peace and love ❤️ 🙏🏻 ✨