Get Your Jean Chretien Indian Act Sock Puppets!
Cowichan Valley Citizen
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Page: 11
Section: Opinion
Byline: Meaghan Walker-Williams
Column: Cowichan Beat
Source: The Citizen
I was thinking of a new business opportunity for our Band. We have consultants and legal counsel, and experts and so on and I'm sure there must be a high demand for these people in other parts of the Indian Act industry.
I wonder if we could clone these advisors to our leaders and then mass market them. Every Indian Band in Canada should have the benefits of their wisdom, expertise and advice.
Perhaps cloning is just not technically feasible right now but, until it is, I've got an even better idea. Why not manufacture a set of dolls? We could call them the Jean Chretien Sock Puppets! Or, better yet, the Indian Act-ion Figure Set.
I can just imagine the infomercial on TV at 3 a.m.:
Are you tired of having to account to your community for the millions of dollars that comes from Ottawa each year? Has that yearly audit of band finances -- and trying to explain where the money went -- got you down? Worried about those annual general meetings and how you will answer those pesky questions?
Well, don't worry. There's help for you! Now Now Now! Order the Collectors Edition Indian Act-ion Figure Set from Franklin Mint -- only available from this TV offer.
Your complete set starts with the Indian Act Lawyer Doll. Just pull his string and he bleats out:
"Just sign here -- and keep your mouth shut;"
"I'm for Aboriginal Rights (at $135 an hour -- minimum 1800 hours guaranteed !)"
"Which employee is suing us now, Chief?" with the ever popular feature "Who should we threaten to sue this week, Chief?"
But wait, no Indian Act-ion Figure Set would be complete without an Economic Consultant Doll -- who talks and walks, writes business plans for ventures that are doomed to failure and can be prompted to say, on command, "Sounds good to me, Chief!" or "Yes I can hire your daughter!" (Can also be easily programmed to say sister, spouse. cousin, nephew etc..!)
This questionably flexible doll can also be modified to express such pearls of consultative wisdom as:
- "It's not nepotism; it's capacity building!"
Or: "Now, who do I make this honoraria cheque out to again?"
Order the Indian Act Lawyer and Economic Consultant and we'll also give you the Indian Act-ion Figure accessories for the dolls at a low, low price: bundles of important-looking paper work, little bitty $200 briefcases and shiny new vehicles every year.
Don't be fooled by knock-offs. Only Genuine Indian Act-ion Figurines come complete with DIA Indian Agent Doll, equipped with his own voice-mail that's never answered and roundfile for complaints about corruption.
You won't be disappointed when confronting a "mouthy" troublemaking member who won't stop asking questions when your Blind, Deaf and Dumb Indian Agent Doll responds: "That's an internal matter -- ask your band office!" or "We'll have to have a meeting to dialogue about whether a feasibility study is warranted on conducting an investigation."
Act now -- order without delay and we'll also include the arrogant and belligerent Indian Act Chief Chief doll, programmed to say:
"I am the Lizard King... I can do anything... hsssss."
"Corruption? What corruption? I don't see any corruption!"
"Our Books are Completely Open... Just try and get a look at 'em (wink)."
Order now and you'll also receive his companions: The Indian Act-ion Figure Council Dolls that will say: "Hey, what did I just vote yes to?"
Don't be fooled by imitators. These are the special Genuine Edition Indian Act-ion Figure Council Dolls. You can tell the authenticity of these dolls when for the most part they don't say anything at all.
But wait! There's more! For a limited time only you can also get the average Band Member Dolls:
"Hey, is that duct tape holding your car together?"
"Honey, you forgot to get the spam and Mr. Noodles! Again!"
"I thought we were supposed to be getting more money at Christmas for the tax rebate!"
"Where did all our money go anyway?"
"Maybe things will change in the next election, you think?"
"Hey, it's raining. Put another tarp on the roof."
"How much longer till my home gets fixed?"