Aloha friends. So sorry for the radio silence these past few months. It’s been a whirlwind, both professionally and personally.
Gosh, where to begin.
On the home front, we have had a tumultuous time with my mother-in-law’s husband. I won’t go into a lot of detail about it, because it wouldn’t be fair to him. We’ve just had to deal with some of his choices and behavior, which has caused a lot of anguish and anxiety in the house. Thankfully, we have finally turned a corner and reached a place where things have calmed down.
Professionally, things have been crazy busy. Which is good because it helps take my mind off our loss and grief. I work remotely for a nonprofit called ChangeMakers Hawaiʻi. Our organization provides services to individuals and businesses. ChangeMakers also provides grant and fund development services to other nonprofit organizations. If you’re interested and/or want more detail check out www.changemakershawaii.org.
My role is as the Marketing Director. Technically my department is a one-woman department, me. It has been a steep learning curve for me, as I have not had a lot of experience in that role, and I’m building the department from the ground up. I have a ton of creative experience.
For about 18 years I worked in the production department of a television station in Hawaiʻi called kgmb-tv. I started out doing graphics. From there I crosstrained to do audio, studio camera work, floor direction, and even directed the evening news. It was a ton of fun, but was very demanding – especially on my time. After “retiring” from kgmb I worked in various other industries, but have always loved creating.
Working remotely has been such a blessing to me. Especially navigating life after the loss of my father, wiggy and xuxu.
The last couple of months have been tougher, emotionally. Pretty much since Thanksgiving I’ve been in a funk. Many of you who have suffered loss know this, you want to set that extra place at the table for your loved one. And each joy you experience, you want to share with them.
After Thanksgiving my husband and I had the opportunity to drive to Washington, DC and visit with my cousin. She lives in Hilo, but was in the city for a work conference. It had been nearly 10 years since we had met in person. We had such a lovely time talking story and touring museums. Oh and the restaurants!
By the time Christmas and New Years arrived, I was in a deep fog of sadness. So many family memories are intertwined with that time of year. I tried to break out of it by going with my mother-in-law and aunt to DeWaynes. It’s a large store with all the things. Their Christmas Land with over 50 decked out Christmas trees, and all the beautiful baubles you can buy. It really was pretty spectacular.
While I was thankful to spend the day with my mother-in-law and aunt, the store was super overwhelming. I even had a mini panic attack. All of the little Christmas things I had collected over the years kept popping into my mind, along with the harsh realization that those treasures were now all ashes. The desire to buy anything new felt wonky.
It’s so bizarre how grief works.
After months of sitting in sorrow, yesterday I finally had the courage to ask God to help me with this heavy weight. To be honest, I don’t know why I didn’t cry out to him sooner. Stubborness probably, and the fact I feel like I deserved this in some weird way. Talk about how a grief-stricken mind doesn’t think clearly.
This morning I woke up and didn’t feel defeated. I was able to get back to a few pieces of my routine, like going for a 2 mile walk and actually eating a proper breakfast – yeah, I had been surviving on coffee, animal crackers and chex mix. It felt good to feel the fresh air on my face and move. While I still feel the weight of sadness, it’s not crushing.
Friends, if you have loved ones who you haven’t spoken with in a while, please reach out to them. Let them know you care. And don’t hesitate to tell them that you love them, at every opportunity you have. Things can change rapidly.
I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season, and made a lot of great memories. Take care, talk with you again soon. Be well.❤️