My fundamental reality was destroyed today. A core belief that holds my own fabric of perception in place. Frozen, as though a missing piece was applied to every puzzle from every past. I learned today that although I may learn and gain some experience, that my all of my actions, beliefs, and ideals are not the result of hard, consistent work, but from talent alone.
While others around me struggle consistently to work for results, I can occasionally replicate the same results through a laser concentrated focus alone. Is this real skill? No. A glimpse of potential. This flawed thinking of miracles burns out quickly and drops unexpectedly. Is it reliable, no. Focusing all time and energy on one special attack. Hit or miss, 20 or zero.
While many aim to roll a 20 at some point, I want to roll a 5 but at least every time. To not be able to see into the next day is chaotic bliss, a mental divide between real and ideal.
20
0
20
0
There is no in between. All or don't bother, the energy is imbalanced. The 20 on days when feeling empowered, but the lack of results, impatience, doubt, worry, anxiety. The next several days a zero, but capable of 20. Chasing the perfect roll.
Daydreaming every possibility and continuous reflection. When you step back every day and worry, are you living anymore? Do you worry for your future short, and long everyday for the whole day afraid of what cannot be known? Do you see your whole lifespan and use up all of the energy that belonging to now forcing it into other times?
When you can do the best, but cannot do. Living every day of your life but today.
No elephant, baby steps. Impatience and frustration because I want it now. To reassure, to know I am going the right way, to motivate. If I plan hard enough I will make fewer mistakes. But how can you avoid what you don't learn?
"One day at a time."
He nods in agreement.
"Only think about today, I can procrastinate tomorrow!" He's concerned. Procrastination is not the best word when conditioning for positive results.
It feels good to procrastinate. Tricking the brain, procrastination feels good. I apparently can't see days as continuous. Procrastinate my worry; "Bah I can worry tomorrow." I will only think and do what is relevant for today.
Why do I feel lighter?
"Okay, I'm seeing it differently than you that's okay. Do everything you need to do, one day at a time—after a while you will see your progress."
"There is no progress though." I look up and smile; "One day at a time, there is only one day. No progress to be compared to."
"If there's no progress, how will you know if you fail or succeed?"
"There is no failing or succeeding, there is only today."
"If there is no result, then what is the purpose of doing things today?"
"There is no purpose."
"Why do it?"
"Because there is no tomorrow, only today."
I wake up. There is a missle coming tomorrow and the world ends. I do what I need to do today, tomorrow the world ends. I can procrastinate and worry about everything else tomorrow—it doesn't matter how things turn out. What's weird is tomorrow comes, the world didn't end. I do what I need to do today, tomorrow the world ends.
What is this feeling?
Let me ask you, if you knew that everything ended tomorrow how much would you worry about next week, next month, 5 years from now? Would your shortcomings matter? Would you worry about your long term goals? Not succeeding? Being a failure? No. It's not important anymore. But that's funny.
My actions have nothing to do with today, yet in my mind I gaze fixated into a tomorrow I cannot touch. Everything in anticipation. I get sad, why have no drive to do the best everyday? Everyday is important. I am not thinking about today, I am thinking about every day. All of them before they can happen, before I can know. I worry for all of the days, and when I look up I already lost today.
I decided that tomorrow doesn't exist. I feel no worry. This is a new feeling. I think it is because all of my worry is in the future that stopped existing.
Carefree? No. Careless? No. I care about today. Some are trapped by their past or their future.
There is only one day, it's today. Make it a good one.
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Being inside a moment.
Can things be this simple?