I remember a time when I felt extremely sorry for myself because I was single and had no family around me.
I felt completely lonely.
I have always had amazing friends but sexual heart partnership is different. I felt so sorry for myself that I hadn't found it yet that I would eat chocolate until I felt sick. I distinctly remembering having a moment thinking "why am I doing this to myself?"
I needed to embrace being a loner and see it could exist without loneliness. I needed to see that it was my relationship with God, my Spirit, that I needed to resolve. I needed to see that being by myself had equal importance to being in a committed relationship with another person.
At the time, I felt that to be alone was a punishment to me. Because I wasn't good enough, because I wasn't wanted, because I didn't deserve it. And then one day I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself.
And then I started to be sure to walk around with my eyes up, open and facing my experiences. Some gazes I do not hold long. I pass over interactions that appear aggressive and fearful (unless there is life and death trouble, in which case I would of course help). I look for the light in people and I move towards it.
How many people walk with their heads down, eyes to the side, looking at anything other than the people around us ? What percentage do you think ? How much do you see around you if you pay attention to that for a day while walking around crowds, streets, stores ? Please tell me if you think it is common.
Some people tend to isolate and close off interactions, preferring to look at the world inside our phones or from behind their sunglasses. Distractions perpetuate loneliness. Loneliness nurtures itself when we shut down and withdraw.
I live in a small city in northwest British Columbia, Canada, and as a small town Canadian, I am grateful to say that I love my community because here we have consistent groups of friendly and interactive people here where I live.
I enjoy looking up and making eye contact, saying "hi", being welcome to the experiences my life is bringing me.
I believe that part of my confidence stems from me having the same occupation of being a doctor and being in service to my communities needs around me. I have committed to my trade long enough to be able to exist in some level of mastery. I take pride in my occupation and so I share that.
I feel invested in my legacy that I am leaving for those who come after me.
My community is my legacy.
My husband has asked me what my wishes are upon my death, how will I want to be put back into the earth ?
Burn me, I say, and spread my ashes in the wind upon where you stand with a feeling of humility and awe. I need no marker, no gravestone, no specific physical presence because it is through my commitment to leave a legacy that I am all around already. I live inside the ones who I share my time with. I am spreading these small pieces of experience around me and so I take pride in having a chance to be positive, hopeful, driven, loving and inspiring.
This is what I want to leave behind.
The tough stuff I go through creates the lessons, helping me to arrive at where I am meant to be.
The good, the bad and the ugly are all mine and so I choose to make that ok. Also being ok to not be ok.
My process has meaning and purpose and my actions are the key to altering my possibilities.
Do what you want to create. If you want energy, give energy and go for a walk. If you want partnership, make friends and discover what it is to be a best friend. Aim to be the thing you seek and you will find it.
If you aren't looking for it, you will not see it.
So aim high and with humble confidence.
Willing to learn, willing to change, willing to find the win-win.
When you do this, please share with me what happens, what is your experience ?
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With love,
Candice
xoxo