I'm still trying to shake the fog from my thoughts and keep hoping this is some extended nightmare or that I'm starring in some movie where I can go home and everything will be 'the way it was'. But, it won't. It'll never be the same again. If you are unaware of that which I speak, my house burned down recently with my dog inside. My Wenzday. 13 years I put into her. She was the best dog I've ever been friends with. We also lost and buried our Guinea Pigs - Cutie and Pinky. Add that to a house, clothes, food, toys and countless priceless things, and yes - you can say I took a hit this year.

But I'm getting back up. I have to. Regardless how off I feel each day. There are three little princesses counting on me to be that strong immovable object. The fate decided instead, that I become an unstoppable force. At least, that is something they can hang on to safely while they ride this fucked up roller coaster of life with an easy heart.

Like a puppet
going through the motions
pulling my own strings

Watching as a spirit
guiding my body
to do all the necessary things

There are no birds here
it's dark
even the oxygen stings

But an eye is open
focused on the horizon
to see what fate brings.

FYI, this is not a #thoughtfuldailypost like I would normally want to bring you. I've taken some pictures. I'll share them with you and some, a few of you may have already seen. If you really want to see them. I am posting them as a memoir and walk-through to help with my inventory sheets. That is the most depressing part of this whole thing. Trying to remember everything that was in there for the insurance company. It would be a lot easier if since - there are so many things that are irreplaceable - to just have a goddamn soul and build me a new mother fucking house. But no, they prefer to drag your memories through a pit of despair and rub it in your face that some bullshit happened. Enter the debris:

Those two were sent to me about an hour after I had gotten the call from the sheriff explaining that my house was on fire and they were putting it out at around 10:30 pm. Everyone was asleep except Luna and I, and we were playing cards. She heard the conversation and pieced together what had happened and gave me big tearful hug.

I was sent this the morning I packed up from Bonnaroo and left back on the two hour drive to Cookeville. At least those two made it. The same person that took that, helped the fire chief to bury Wenzday the night before. The fucked up thing was, this was the first actual vacation beyond a single night, that we had taken the kids on and were looking forward to seeing their reactions to music they recognized - live. I have pictures of some of the festivities, but fuck, they don't fit very well in this post.

Let's start by going upstairs. The crunch and squish beneath the feet is a haunting sound and has a Langolier effect on my sleep.

You'll notice more pictures with Luna in this series, like this one in the living room, as she went with me to take most of these. She wanted to see what she could try and salvage, if anything. A few 'stuffties' were brought home, but after washing them in multiple different suggested chemicals and natural agents, they still smell like firesmoke.

Many a memory from this kitchen and dining room. I believe some of you may have seen dozens that were posted on chain ranging from birthday parties to cooking shit and even maybe a few dances somewhere along the line. Easter baskets and stockings, the 'Art Line' above the dining table. Last year, we made blackberry and blue raspberry jam just right over there on that stove.

A closet full of fun times there. If you notice the top, you can see through the roof. Now, it's rained several times since I took these over a week ago, so I'm betting on them being more soggy next time I go out there. Which, by the way, is at least every other day to keep the other 8-lived cats fed and watered.

This was one of the least cram-packed-with-shit rooms. It is where the guinea pigs took their final breaths. It also served as a makeshift office for Angie and part-time play room for the girls when they were wanting solo craft time.

This was @lunamoon, @khaldeesi and @freyamber's bedroom. Countless movies watched, stories read and naps taken here. I remember climbing up in Luna's top bunk a few times and almost taking myself out on the ceiling fan.

This was their bathroom where they brushed their teeth and hair each night. It was often a wrestling match to get them to do so, but they did. It is also where they began their cosmetic experiments.

Down the stairs, Angie had a shrine to all the children in our family. Baby pictures of our little ones plus recent ones of our others. The only two that didn't come off of the wall was the center piece of Angie and I before we got married on the beach in Destin and the one of our niece that supposedly overdosed a while back. Some of you may remember that one. Wasn't a good time.

This particular room has served many purposes so we'll just label it as a den. From artwork to music performances to dance rehearsals to our own little fight club - it was in here. The fireplace during the winter months served a warm reminder of the love of family that was shared in this room.

This was my brand new bathroom. I was slowly refurbishing the house and making it my own. I had new 24x12 marble tile put in on the floor to match the new countertop of the vanity, baseboard, sink, toilet and plumbing to boot. Seems like a waste of fucking money now.

This is the utility room - or - one of them anyway. I had another in back I used more for storage than anything. I think what will be missed most from here, is the costumes that hung on that rack in the hopes they would be used again. And, they were. Dress up parties and the land of imagination were commonplace in this house.

My mancave. My nap room. My office. On the wall hung a picture that contained @thealliance star and a picture that @snook drew a few years back. It was a picture of a mug that really 'cracked' me up and I loved it. Collections of coins, stamps, comic books and most valuable - the cards. You can see a few commons dropping out of some boxes on the remnants of the shelf. Priceless items on the other side of the closet were some trophies my sons had won and close to a thousand pictures that were taken before the digital era. Another thing that meant a lot was the picture below.

You should be able to make out 2 cats. This was my family shelf on my desk that reminded me why I do the things I do. Those cats were handed down to me by my grandmother and I didn't get much from her, but I always loved her and her cats. If you look close, you can see a recent gift given to me by @saffisara - a silver naked mermaid ring below the chin of the rear cat. On the cats' necks hung multiple bracelets from her and other people like @bellelynn. Also adorning the crystal kitties neck was some pendants I got from @brisby when I last went to New York. There was also a baby Yoda, A Death Star, a box of painted rocks from Luna for my 42nd birthday, pictures and paintings from Freya and Leesi and just a bunch of personal treasures.

That last set is from the back storage/utility room. I kept my hunting gear and several tools in there. Pretty hard to stalk a deer when you smell like firesmoke - even if you're downwind. I was also lazy and didn't bring the Christmas decorations back out to the garage this year and what the fuck do ya know? Now they're worthless. The bins on the floor to the right in there are the girls' schoolwork I'd been keeping along with artwork that was rotated out for newer pieces throughout the house.

The Help

Will always be appreciated. I've gotten Amazon cards, Walmart cards, PayPal drops and a bunch of HIVE and HBD. I don't even know half of the people sending me things but I definitely appreciate it all and feel the love this chain has. Care packages from select parties have been received and welcomed warmly. A few accounts like @assistance and @ewfund have been doing some drives on top of other peoples' personal quests so do check in over there if you choose to help us out. There is no telling what we will really need when the time comes to rebuild.

With that in mind, all the HBD is being put into savings to set aside for when things are more predictable. As for immediate needs, what all of you lovely people have and continue to give, has gone mostly to clothing and food. It was absolutely disgusting cleaning out the brand new fridge and chest freezer. My son and I both almost threw our guts all over the rubble on what was the kitchen floor a few times.

Thank you, all of you. Every little vote and increment of HIVE or USD or whatever it is you may have sent will be used wisely and we are very grateful for it. But do forgive me in my silence if you feel I have been quiet or not as talkative. Having to adjust to city life is a major pain in the ass. I can't just let the dogs outside, I have to keep them on a leash and walk them which has added (or subtracted?) a good 3 hours out of my days. The girls can't just run outside and jump on the trampoline or swing set or hop in the pool. We all feel somewhat caged.

Lately, it is hard to focus on things and this post took a week to compose. I do read though. And watch. And listen. And feel. Bringing my fingers to type, that's a different action and requires more energy than I have in reserves more often than not. I'm getting back up however, and will be running with you all again soon enough. In the meantime, I will remind you, REMEMBER TO BE YOU! I always am, even as the smoke clears.