If someone wrote a book titled “The Art of Shooting Yourself in the Foot,” it still wouldn’t be as fascinating as watching Elon Musk’s recent antics after crowning himself the head of DOGE. The man has literally worked hard, super hard. He’s slept in the office, skipped showers, and stayed glued to his self-made chaos. The result? Not a single arrest, and the apple of his eye, Tesla, is teetering on the edge of failure.
Some of my friends get mad when I talk about Elon. They think my love for dunking on him is unwarranted. But to me? He asks for it. When he called chess too simple, too easy, too beneath his mighty intellect, well, dunking on him became less of a hobby and more of a civic duty. But alas, I digress.
Recently, he had to participate in Tesla’s earnings call, an activity he once publicly dismissed as unnecessary. Usually, CEOs use these conference calls to lay out their company’s situation: goals achieved, hurdles ahead, strategic pivots. Elon, however, had to do something I’m sure he absolutely despises: explain himself. Specifically, explain why Tesla’s sales dropped over 70% in Q1.
As I understand it, he spoke for an entire hour. A monologue for the ages, I presume. He talked about tariffs, his opposition to them, and other deflections. But, naturally, he tiptoed carefully to avoid upsetting Donnie, using language as vague and fluffy as possible.
Tesla’s nosedive in sales has me thinking. I might be on my tenth coffee of the day, but I can still string together the obvious question: How did he not see this coming? It’s glaring to anyone with two neurons still synapsing.
He aligned himself with the most toxic elements of a political party, alienating half the country in a single tweetstorm. Tesla may now be metaphorically handcuffed to Trump, but here's the catch: old school conservatives hate electric vehicles.
“Them things ain’t even cars” they throat, revving their F-150s sporting 10 MAGA flags per square inch down the highways.
In other words, Elon’s been courting a crowd that doesn’t want what he’s selling. They cheer him on, not because they want Teslas, but because he makes liberals mad. That’s it. That’s the bond.
If you think this isn’t eating away at him emotionally, you’re not paying attention. But do I feel sorry for him? Not even a little bit.
He did this all to himself. He could’ve stayed out of politics. He could’ve focused on innovation. He could’ve stayed weird and brilliant instead of turning his life into a dumpster fire. But no, Elon chose chaos. And now, he get's to sit on the dildo on consequences.
MenO