As social creatures, human beings naturally have a desire for being liked. Interestingly, this innate desire to be liked and accepted makes us do things that don’t really align with our own interests and intentions. We accept opinions we know are wrong, say yes to tasks we know we can’t do or don’t have the time for, go to places we don’t like and to hang out with people we despise, you name it. All these in the name of being accepted or liked by those people (who we ironically don’t even like if we’re being truthful to ourselves).
Self esteem has a huge part to play in people pleasing
I consider being comfortable with yourself regardless of what people say or think as my avatar state. It’s the only way to kill people pleasing, so consequently, its absence or lack of therefore, breeds people pleasing.
A lot of people either crave validation/endorsement from other people to feel good about themselves, or feel awful just based on another people’s judgement about who they are. People who don’t know you nearly as close as you know yourself. Because of this, they dread saying NO to those people because they’re afraid of what those people will say or the opinions those people will form about them because of their use of the two-letter word.
Even though the primary focus of my post is on the art of saying NO, it’s good to point out that the art of saying no can sometimes involving saying YES. For instance, saying YES to manipulative statements like “So you won’t do X for me” is essentially the same as having said NO to the negative form of the statement (Will you do X for me?). People have said NO to things they wanted out of a fear of judgement by their friends and family, or YES for what they absolutely despised, for the same reason.
Sometimes, it’s not self-esteem, but a lack of power. These cases are probably understandable.
I had a situation with the latter recently about a situation with a group of people I care deeply about, and was basically overruled because of a lack of power.
The subtle art of not giving a fuck
If you’ve read a few of my posts over the past 2 months, you’ll be deceived by thinking that I’m going to talk about Podcast I’ve mentioned a lot recently in my posts – The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.
What I’m about to talk about is not the podcast, but the need for you to master the actual art of not giving a fuck. Learn and become comfortable with: Saying yes or no not out of fear of what other people will say, but because it’s what you want. Saying what you want to say without caring how it might come off to other people; I’m not saying be a douchebag. If you believe what you’re saying is the right thing, say it and be unapologetic about it. Calling bullshit out; Don’t let people say or do whatever they want to you.
NO is not grounds to be a cunt
With everything being said, just because you’re getting into your NO era doesn’t mean you have to be a dick about it. You can be nice about declining requests from people.
“Yo, the boys are having this game night on Sunday, you down?”
“I would really love to, but I can’t”
Throw in a reason or explanation if you feel like it, or if you feel that it’ll make people understand better.
“I would really love to, but I can’t. I have an exam on Monday I need to prepare for”.
If you’re feeling extra generous, maybe even offer alternatives to what they’re proposing.
“I would really love to, but I can’t. I have an exam on Monday I need to prepare for. Can we move to Wednesday?”
Really, your art of saying NO depends on you. The idea is not to be rude, but at the same time, not be a mindless zombie that says yes to everything just because people asked and you didn’t want to disappoint them. If your answer to any request people ask you is not a clear yes, it’s a clear no. There’re no in-betweens. Cos what usually ends up happening if your Nos are always Yess is that you resent both yourself and the people you’re pleasing. Yourself because saying yes all the time is exhausting and translates to actual work for you, and the people you’re pleasing because you’ll see them as the source of your problems.
All images are mine