“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”
I woke up in a bad mood today. Berating myself for sleeping through my alarm, being lazy, being undisciplined and fatigued. I made a cup of coffee thinking it would help, but it did little to help my mood or my bearings. I have a huge sense of urgency that is eating at me every day and feel like I have no place for it.
If you know me even a little, you'd know that I absolutely hate rushing. Rushing around makes me feel manic, disorganised and forgetful. I find little use in it as it pushes me into a person that I'm not, moulds me into a being that I don't like when I look in the mirror. Someone unprepared and frantic.
Every person that I've known has their little quirks and personality flaws - we're all human and we all try to work through them, around them, with them on a daily basis. I have plenty that I fight internally often and I'm not afraid to say so as it shows that I'm still trying to form myself into the best version of me.
There are going to be days where we simply don't find the way to being that ideal vision of ourselves and I'll be the first to admit when I've fallen below my own expectations, let alone those of others.
The sense of urgency I feel has causal factors which I won't go into now but as I wrote in my post last night, the time factor is weighing against me at the moment and spurring my need to move, to get shit done, to accomplish something. It can be a great motivator but it can also detract from my focus and sensibilities.
I tried to hone my concentration but felt scrambled. I tried to accomplish one thing at a time and yet felt my mind stretching off into a million shards of things that need time and devotion. Perhaps the coffee exacerbated that aspect.
So I sat down with myself and read JRR Tolkien's words. For me, it's a reminder that even when things seem their absolute worst, there is always the opportunity to look to things in the future returning to a state of normality and regaining their previous status of calm and bright, shiny brilliance. It is going to take work, effort and some rather uncomfortable situations for me to get there, but I will return to that space of accomplishments, feeling like the world is at least a just and somewhat unified place. Feeling and knowing that I play a part in ensuring that -through my words, actions and decisions.
We may be our own worst enemies at times when things seem to not go how we intended, but ultimately we are in control of our own lives and each day is an opportunity to shape it into more of what we want.
I'd like to close this with another well known quote Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Image is my own, apologies for the formatting errors, I'm not used to using anything other than PeakD