Hello all! I wanted to share some fun moments of Christmas past, from my boyhood, many of which made me smile. In my family, there's none of this "opening gifts early" nonsense. No way. You wait until 8AM on Christmas day to begin the mad rush to see what you got.
As a very young kid, my logical mind couldn't comprehend the logistics of how Santa Claus made his way around the world. This fat dude supposedly slid down chimneys, but in all the pics I'd seen of him, the guy was spic and span without an ounce of dirt on him!
Wouldn't he be covered in black soot, thus giving rise to the Dutch Zwarte Piet or "Black Pete" in English? Yeah, that made a helluva lot more sense! In my mind, the real Claus looked more like Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead, and would have been covered in all kinds of crap, and be smoking a blunt.
In the bad households, I pictured him leaving notes saying: "You ain't gettin shit this year!" before squirming his fat ass back up to those bored-ass Reindeer impatiently waiting for the next destination.
I also did some back of the envelope calculations and realized that if he spent only 5 minutes at each house, there's no fucking way he'd be able to visit the billions of homes around the world in 24 hours, then make it back home in time to bang Mrs. Claus.
Something was up.
The other thing was that we didn't have a chimney, so wasn't he breaking and entering? Picturing Old Saint Nick in cuffs concerned me as a boy. Posing question after question about the logistics of Santa's night rides exasperated my Mother as I wondered how he did all of this; "He just does" was always her response.
Of course we left money for the Tooth Fairy (which was gone in the morning), and cookies and milk for Santa, which was gobbled up as well. So he had to be real, right? :)
One of the most exciting Christmases was when my sister got the one gift that was closest to her heart: a pee-pee doll...
I'll never forget her ripping that wrapping off and then screaming like a Wild Banshee; "IT'S A PEE-PEE DOLL!" Dancing around like crazy, she immediately went to the kitchen for a cup of water and made it drink. Next thing you know BINGO! Waterworks! as she hugged it and screamed some more. We laughed until our stomachs hurt to see someone so happy to have something whose only job was to piss all over the place.
Well, It's time to let you get back to your Psilocybin mushrooms and your DMT. My Jerry Garcia Santa is already back in his "hood" up in North Pole, Alaska (you didn't know that was a real place did you?), arguing with his wife after catching her winking at one of them horny little Elves.
After awhile as things cool down, something else heats up, and that's the love they have for each other. Somebody puts on some music, and the first notes of 'Touch of Grey' fills the air as the Christmas couple dance the night away. You see no matter what happens in our lives there are happy endings, and I hope you have one too. Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year! :)
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