I'm so tired of this marriage, I want out!" My best friend Titi shouted out of frustration while I tried to calm her down. This same scene had been ongoing for the last two years out of the four years of their marriage. The very question I kept asking was, what went wrong? They used to be the lovebirds who couldn't get enough of each other the typical "love in Tokyo" but in just two years, they had become like cats and rats, always having one disagreement or another.
At first, I thought it was just the normal couple's banter, which is okay and even healthy as it allows partners to get to know and understand each other's likes and dislikes. After all, they were two young individuals from different backgrounds. But theirs had gotten worse and gone beyond the petty couple's banter. Here we gathered in their home after receiving an emergency call from her husband, myself, and our church's marriage committee, trying to settle their dispute as Titi had decided to leave her marriage for good, packing a few belongings to move back to her parents' house.
Most of us go into marriage with the idea that it will always be a bed of roses. After all, you are both in love, and love is said to conquer all things. Little did we know that we had just signed up for a lifelong institution to learn and relearn things. This is the only institution that awards you a certificate before venturing into it, meaning you are supposed to be prepared. However, marriage is a journey of constant growth, understanding, and compromise.
Image is mine
For my friend, the problem started when she decided to go into business, her husband had always been the jealous type, but she didn't think it would go this far, he never liked to see his wife around any male presence irrespective of the relationship and in her type of business, her clients were dominated by more of male clients than female, so as expected, she has lots of male contacts, as they often need to reach out to her during a business dealing, this includes WhatsApp chats, even though her husband never found any reason to mistrust his wife, whatsoever, yet he kept accusing her of cheating, All in a bid to take away her source of livelihood and let her go back to being just a submissive housewife, so he could pat his ego and satisfy his jealousy, this shows that he also lacks trust in his wife, how then can a marriage stand without trust!
Trust is the foundation of any successful marriage. Without trust, the entire wall crumbles, and doubts, insecurities, and suspicions take over, taking away the peace in that marriage. When you trust your spouse, you have faith in their integrity, loyalty, and commitment to the marriage no matter the situation or distance, because It involves being transparent, honest, and open with each other, even when it is difficult.
When a partner starts setting unwarranted rules trying to control all of their spouse's activities, always monitoring their whereabouts, going through their phones trying to look for discriminating evidence, only to find none, then know that such marriage has become toxic and no one likes to be in s toxic marriage.
After hearing from both husband and wife, it was noted that the husband had trust issues which he proclaims to be an act of love, but sometimes love can turn into obsession which can be choking for your spouse, another aspect that was brought up, the act of compromise from both sides, this means that sometimes sacrificing on your own part for your spouse just for peace sake, .
Still, compromise doesn't always mean one partner always has to sacrifice their needs or desires for the other. Instead, it's about finding a mutual solution and doing away with things or acts that make your spouse upset, letting them feel heard, respected, and accommodated.
To achieve a compromise, quality communication is needed among spouses, obviously, you can't read each other's mind, so it's better to voice out your concerns and also listen. Couples must learn to express their needs clearly and also listen to each other with empathy and understanding. When both partners face their disagreements with a willingness to find a solution, rather than stubbornly feeling one hundred percent every time.
Titi and her husband's situation was an excellent example of what can happen when trust, compromise, and understanding break down in a marriage. Their constant disagreements and inability to find common ground had deteriorated the foundation of their relationship, leading to Titi's decision to leave.
The reason why counseling/Seeking help is important, counseling provides a neutral space where couples can work through their issues, a counselor can help couples identify the root causes of their problems, help them communicate better, and provide tools for rebuilding trust, compromise, and understanding.
Titi and her husband's decision to involve our church's marriage committee was a positive step in seeking outside support and guidance. While their situation had reached a critical point, the committee's involvement offered hope for reconciliation and healing provided both partners were willing to put in the work.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment, forget the high rates of divorce happening today, it wasn't meant to be so, just because people don't want to put in the work that requires constant effort, growth, and adaptation from both partners. Trust, compromise, and understanding are the three pillars that hold a marriage together, even in the face of challenges and conflicts.
This post is inspired by the #Aprilinleo [monthly topics] day 21, check out the announcement post and join in.