I wrote a small narrative yesterday with very few descriptive words. I was testing what a story would be like without much description.
Honestly..... I liked it.
However, I am now going to redo the story in such a way that it tells about it's environment a bit more.
The first story that is mostly devoid of descriptors is here.
Now I will begin editing it so that it is much more descriptive.
Johnny sat on the tiny wooden cot staring absentmindedly at the Pink Floyd poster plastered haphazardly on the south wall of his bedroom. The gentle ticking of his white and black checkered Felix the Cat wall clock was just like the meditative hum of a piano metronome. Sitting by his green and yellow Incredible Hulk tennis shoes was a large green duffel bag filled to the brim with a wide variety of plastic toys, Jump comics, Little Debbie and Hostess brand snack foods, and a few changes of underwear.
Grabbing it roughly with two sweaty hands, he slammed the door open harshly and headed into the cold night air in an angsty huff.
He quickly latched the over sized bag to his chrome Huffy handlebars, shoving the pink and grey NASA pamphlet further into his half ripped back jeans pocket.
10 a.m. launchtime. Venus rover! ....and a bunch of other words Johnny couldn't be bothered reading.
Ever since he'd first seen that planetary mobile that swung lopsidedly around his tiny white crib, Johnny had wanted to visit another planet. As a baby, he didn't really know what that meant. To be honest, he still didn't. What better time to go though, than right at this very moment....when his surly alcoholic stepfather was angrily calling the shots and making his already wretched life even more miserable?
Source: Pixabay.com
He was so out of breath when he arrived at the rusty red gate to the platform that he nearly fell off his BMX, and onto the gravel strewn path below. Johnny wasn't used to being out after dark. There was something fiendishly delightful about it, but it also scared him half to death. If he had fallen no one would have been there to help him.
Seeing the newly famed Venus rover sitting heavily on the shiny raised platform, he jumped the fence with wild abandon....not bothering to check whether it was electrified or not.
Fortunately for Johnny, the night Watchman had gotten married just two days before and hadn't remembered to turn on the lever. He was still sneaking away for a bit of naughty fun with his what are you doing with a girl that young? life partner that he'd met the month before after a good run at the local casino. She'd told him she was 21 but she'd really just turned 18.
A single black handle protruded from the vastly complex unit, seeming to call Pull me to the young boy. With a great deal of force Johnny wedged it open revealing a ridiculously narrow compartment just big enough for a timid adolescent and his giant green bag of goodies.
There were more flashing lights and glowing dials then Johnny could have imagined in his wildest science fiction based dreams. Unfortunately for everyone involved, one of them just happened to activate the Venus rover launch ignition sequence.... without outside interference.
Like most excitable young boys, Johnny was all talk and no action. He hadn't actually intended to go anywhere, much less out into space. He'd just wanted to show his overbearing new stepdad that he couldn't be pushed around.... not without pushing back, at least a little. Now that he was here, he felt as excited as a young puppy being brought to a vibrantly free dog park for the first time and seeing that Yes, Spot my boy, this is all real.
He would live happily ever after on Venus, and meet all variety of alien life forms. He'd make dozens of new friends in all shapes and colors. His stepdad couldn't interfere, yell, or cause him any trouble anymore.
The inside of the Rover was incredibly cold despite being thoroughly insulated. The journey took three days but it might have been three years for all the awareness Johnny had. He'd already eaten all of the donuts and half of the coffee cakes. The Rover had not been built with a bathroom of any kind, because it had never meant to have a human passenger. Johnny held it for nearly two days before finally letting go. He now sat dejected in a lake of bright yellow liquid. It was clear that he hadn't been drinking enough water.
Touchdown on the planet's surface was quite rough, but Johnny survived. He came off without a scratch.
He'd once read a book about Venus which claimed it was a rainy Planet full of lush vegetation. The writers from the 50s didn't know much about the planets at all, so they really used their imaginations.
It was finally time to go out and meet his new life. Johnny's heart beat a thousand times a minute as he held a shaky hand up to the unreasonably long metal handle of the exit hatch. A quick pull, and the door swung open with an angry creak. Johnny sprinted outside, eager to see his new fun time companions. Life was just about to begin!
It was 864 degrees Fahrenheit on Venus that afternoon.
They say the grass is always greener on Venus. If you ask me though, I think should try talking to your stepdad before you go running off into outer space.
Note: I'm writing this as an exercise in description, having written a previous version that was all narrative with no descriptors. Please read them both and let me know which one is better.
